The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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Trina, you're having difficulty with your siblings?

Yeah

Tell me what's going on.

I have a six year old, who have medical issues. He has Tourette Syndrome. He tends to be very moody and I also have a 12 year old. They constantly fight. The 12 year old doesn't show any love towards his brother. He's constantly hateful to him. I just want to get on the same page with them and get them together. To love each other. I mean, they fight constantly. They hate each other.

Okay. You said the six year old has Tourette's? Yeah. Both boys. Yes. Both boys. And what? How? How is how are you getting any help for yourself? Any therapy?

No.

Oh, that's rough. What's your son doing your six year old doing with the Tourette's when you tick? He thinks he has barking at all?

No, it's just pretty much facial tics. A little bit of a grunting noise. But that's, that's about it. He's had Tourette's since he was two. And we haven't seen a great increase in them. Yeah, but he does have like a mood disorder. He's, he tends to be moody. My 12 year old resents him because he says that we let him get away with more. And I tried to explain to him, it's because his brother's only six. And there's different rules for the two of them because of their age difference. We can't take them to the movies or anything because they want to see different movies. It's just terrible. Anything we want to do, one of them doesn't want to do it because of the age difference.

So your 12 year old if he could have you in private? And if you could totally listen to him. What do you think your 12 year old if he was able to bear his soul without fear of you saying -yes, but you got to be nice to your brother- What do you think you would hear from the depths of his soul?

I think he would want more attention from me. I think he would want more attention from me as well as a little bit of more understanding from him. I'm a little bit harder on him because of his brother's problems. And I tried to explain that to him. But I don't know how to correct it.

What else would he want it like if you could put yourself in his shoes. And I know this is almost impossible, because you want him to put his himself in your shoes. You want the both kids to get along. Just a nice family life and you're not able to achieve that. Because of the tension and because of the complication of Tourette's. Tourette's is so hard on everybody, especially the guy who's got Tourette's, your six year old. So what I'm suggesting you do is really privately maybe your husband, are you married?

I have a fiance.

fiance? Is this his child?

No.

Okay, so he's taking on a lot. If you could put yourself in your 12 year old son's shoes, and really drop your own context, which is so hard. And try to feel like how it would feel like for you if you had the six year old as your brother, right? Because you rule the roost for six of those years. Right? And you were whatever relationship you were an only child. So not only do you have the words called dethrone and you've been taken off your throne because it's another kid that you have to share mom and dad's attention whether in this case, your fiance's attention with and dads too, I'm assuming. But now you've got a new kid in the family that's grunting and has facial tics and probably embarrasses you terribly in public.

Yeah . . .

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Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick and then Ellen will be back.

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Now you've got a six you've got a new kid in the family that's grunting and has facial tics and probably embarrasses you terribly in public. When you go places you've got this kid doing things that other you don't want to bring your friends home right? It does that happen at all? Uh,

Oh yeah, definitely, he's extremely embarrassed when we go out to eat and things, not so much from the ticks because they're not as noticeable, but just his attitude because he is, he's a different child, he has an ethic, you know, an attitude, and he's loud and, and my older son is definitely embarrassed by him. And instead of saying, you know, stop, you're embarrassing me, he screams at him and so people things to him because he is embarrassed, and which, which totally complicates the picture.

So he needs to know, if I were the mom and you were the 12 year old. And I said to you, hon, let's just go out together, we and I would take him to his favorite restaurant, hopefully, it's not a noisy one, his favorite quiet restaurant. And I would say, tell me what it's been like for you. And if he told me just what you what you just said, I would say, you know, it sounds like it's been so hard on you. And I don't think I've fully grasp the pain that you've been going through. And you are embarrassed, and I'm embarrassed to. And this is this is what we have to deal with to have any idea of how we could make it easier, I would try to engage his cooperation, not that I'm going to agree with some of the solution or like get rid of the brother. But I would try to let him express his anger, his frustration, his hurt his fear. If you don't think you could do it on your own. You could do it in therapy with a therapy, you and your son could go to therapy. And then you could come up with methods to for him to deal with the frustration like maybe he wouldn't have to go to all the family meals. This this family harmony is not harmony when you do and, and it may be unrealistic, maybe he will end up not having friends over to the house all the time, because it is embarrassing. So it's respecting where he's coming from.

The other thing I would do for your six year old, it's really hard on him and especially to have a rejecting 12 A brother. So I would recommend tic coaching. I don't know if you're aware that that's possible. Or you do with a kids learn how to mute the the facial tics are grimacing or grunting. And they know how to act more properly, they can actually train their own minds to get their tics out before they go into a family event or something. And they can actually be quite functional later on in life too. But I would definitely get professional help for yourself. And I recommend a cognitive therapist because some therapists who deal with Tourette's, just look at it as you have to grin and bear it. There's not much you can do. But a cognitive therapist who deals with thinking will teach your son thinking will teach the six year old thinking skills and your 12 year old could benefit too, of how to deal with the tour rats, you know, you want a specialist in Tourette's, a cognitive therapist who specializes in that area. But you could go to the website Academy of CT, you can go to my website, Doctor kenner.com. And I have a link where you could go directly to the Academy of CT, cognitive therapy.org And they list therapists in the area or you could contact them directly and ask them what they would suggest. But definitely get personal therapy for yourself because what I've seen with the parents that there's so much stress on you and you tend not you tend to be so focused on taking care of the two kids, the kids that you don't take care of yourself. Please give that to yourself.

Okay.
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