The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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And here's a question I received from Anna, who is having difficulty in romance.

Hello, Dr. Kenner. I've been dating Peter, we sparked our romance in Kentucky where I was living, he returned to his home in New York City where I grew up. And we continued to talk for months, we then decided to end our relationship a year passed. When I visited my parents back home in New York City, Peter asked me to lunch and we rekindled our romance, I moved back to the city with him. But I hate living here. It's a big sacrifice for me. I had been looking to relocate in Florida where I have a better shot at my career. I am torn. I love Peter. And I don't take that lightly. I want him in my life. But I feel I must move away. Am I unreasonable for thinking that I can move and we can continue with a long distance relationship. I'm very confused. Any insight you can author offer. Thank thank you so much. By the way, I love your book.

I love those comments. And it's a book I wrote with Dr. Red lock guy, you can see that on my website, Dr. kenner.com. So and here's the difficulty, you've got a conflict between two top values. And those are always the most difficult to decide or to figure out to brainstorm and maybe come up with an alternative. You have your career hopes in Florida, you don't like New York City. And you have Peter your love who is glued to New York City, I'm assuming. So the first thing that will give you a few stages you can go through first you want to understand yourself and I'll elaborate on each in a moment, then you want to work to really, really hear Peters situation and his desires without a lot of Yes, but you want to just hear where he's coming from. So because you both love each other. Now, you may already know all of this, then the two of you want to generate as many alternatives as you can you can think way outside of the square could you both work on maybe as in the airlines where you could fly back forth between New York and Florida. I mean, that's bizarre, but you know, maybe you can find something that would work. And if there's no solution, you are going to need to make a choice.

So the word that jumps up to me for us, I want to talk about this word. And then I'm going to come back and talk about each of those briefly. The word is sacrifice that you're saying it would be a huge sacrifice for you to live in New York City. So a sacrifice is giving up a greater value for a lesson one or something that has no value at all. So if I said to you, you know, my husband lives in New York City, and I just don't want to go there. I hate New York City. No, that would be true. I don't hate New York City. But I'm not a city girl. I'm a country gal. If I said I just hate living in the city. And I think I'll give up my husband. To me, that would be bizarre if if we had a situation where you had to live in the city man, I would like to take a lot of vacations, even if it's driving into the closest park, or something to give myself the feeling of being in the country. But I would not be it would be such a sacrifice for me to leave my husband, because I love him so dearly. So is Peter the lesser of the two values are your career plans. And this is legitimate. If it's true, it are your career plans and your desire to live in Florida. You know, the future the vision that you've given for yourself of your own future? Is that more important to if that's the case, sometimes. What can you do you you make your choice and you move to Florida if he's willing to have a long distance relationship you guys can give it a try again, you did try it once before. So that's that has to do with the word sacrifice.

Now I want to go back and talk about understanding yourself and then we'll get to generating alternatives together. You need to know, Anna . . .

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Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is The Selfish Path to Romance - a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That IS interesting.
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You need to know, Anna, your understand your own ambivalence. This skill is called Explore your own ambivalence. What is it you hate about New York City? Is it too hectic? Are there no career opportunities for you in your field, let's say you want to work at SeaWorld. And that just isn't the SeaWorld in New York City. Maybe you don't like the cold winters and hate snow, or maybe your parents are nearby. And they're very intrusive, and you just like the emotional distance of living, you know, few states away. So you want to introspect and understand that gut feeling you have that strong negative emotional response to living in New York City. And you may have already done that, when you get to the core issue, or, you know, just a few issues, whatever they are, maybe it's your parents are too close by or something, or you just don't like the city, then see if there's any way around that. You know, what, if anything, would need to change to make New York City a bit more appealing? If it's your parents? Can you set up some boundaries, maybe you've never done that, but maybe you could get some therapy help. If it's the weather a, nothing you can do there. therapy's not going to help you unless you suddenly start to love skiing or something, or cold weather. But if it's that you just don't have a career there, then that's really important because your career does become your identity. It's a main source of your identity. I mean, we have friends and hobbies and other things, too. But the career is the foundation.

So then you can ask yourself, what do you love about Florida and how much of it is based in fact, and how much of it is just your hopes, your wishful thinking in a way? Then you can generate alternatives together with Peter, you've listened to him, you understand yourself? Now you guys get together? And you try to figure out, can you compromise? No compromise is different from a sacrifice, you do give a little to get a little. So it's mutual concessions. But you both gain something more important, your romantic relationship with Peter, and Peter with you. So is there a way that you could figure out something that you could do? Maybe Peter could, you know, spend part of the time get some career position where part of the time he's in Florida part of the time, he's in New York City, so you're not away from each other all the time? If you try to have a completely long distance relationship? I think that living with one another is very trying on any couple. I mean, you've got Skype, now you've got the internet, but I think it really tries. You don't have that personal touch all the time. So you want to give it a lot of thought. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting . . .

Speaker 2 8:21
Bad manners and habits are a turnoff. correcting them should not be a sacrifice because a rational person wouldn't value them. When repeated often enough the messages I don't value you. correcting them will make you a more lovable partner and a better person. Such corrections are a sign of respect and have genuinely value one another. If some bad habit bothers you, such as clothes left scattered all over the floor or chewing with the mouth open. Be sure to speak up in a benevolent way. Breaking Bad habits is often difficult because they are actions you take automatically without conscious planning or reflection. To break them become more aware of them and learn to catch yourself before acting.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com