The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Marlon, you've got a daughter, a son in third grade, right?

I've got a son, a son in third grade.

And you're saying he's having some problems with study habits, right?

I guess the thing is, it's so frustrating because he is the splitting image of me way. Well, whenever I was his age, I was, I guess, just kind of present boy just wide open until it got time to do homework. And then whenever homework came around, I just started shutting down, I started getting tired, sleepy, and my body just shut down. And he is doing the same thing. But difference between he and I, whenever I was growing up with just my father and myself. And my father was disabled, the only thing I was good at was lying to my father to tell him that I had done the homework at school. And now me and my wife, my son, we've gotten him going to a tutor. And one time a week we've, we live in North Carolina, and we heard on a show one time about a doctor in Chapel Hill, Dr. Male Lavon and send them to Chapel Hill to be tested and everything. And they tested them and said that his IQ was good and everything. And just basically, they sent us like a book of report that they had done on a one day, I guess, session. And really, you don't need to be a lawyer or a doctor to really understand what I know that I know.

And so I mean, if we've gotten involved in count baseball, basketball, my daughter, she's six, and she's going to save me. She's my daughter, she's on top of everything. She's doing a great job. But it seems like between my wife and me, we're running all the time, you know, for the kids every day. And it's frustrating for me, because it's like, I've got the book or I know what my son's going through. And I'm trying to do everything to prevent him from going down the same road as I did.


I understand. And even the way you present it to me, can you feel the pressure that you're under? You're desperate? Yeah, you can just see, oh, my God, I want to prevent my son from having the same taking the same route that I've taken.

So let me role-play and be your son for a minute . . .

It's time for homework.

What do you say to me?

Well, we've been going through this every year.

Yeah. What do you say? Just the words that I would hear?

Well tell us it's done. You know, it's time for homework, everything. Let's go ahead and get everything done.

I can't do it, dad.

Well, if you don't do it, then you know, you're not gonna be able to go outside and play. You're not gonna watch TV.

But I can't. Can I just watch a little TV and then I'll do it. Why?

School is more important,

But it isn't more important. I'd much rather be out playing baseball or playing soccer with my buddies.

That's whenever I just go ahead and add just tell no, you're gonna do it and just walk away from it. Don't let them give me any excuses or anything.

Okay, so there's a lot you can do you this is I wish I wish you were in my state so that we could see each other because i This is the stuff I love. What you want to do it tell me something that you kind of drag your feet doing yourself. What's something that you don't enjoy doing in your adult life? . . .

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Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

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Tell me something that you kind of drag your feet doing yourself? What's something that you don't enjoy doing in your adult life?

Well, I'm in sales. I got expense reports to do every week. Sometimes I'll turn around and things.

(Role-Play . . .)
Do your reports! Listen, Melvin. I mean Marlon, you've got to do your reports. You got to do them right now they come first. I don't want you watching TV. I don't want you watching the Superbowl or any games. I just want you to sit down right now and get those reports done. I don't want to hear anything from you. Sit down right now.

What is your gut response. What are you saying under your breath? Even if you don't say it directly to me? You like me or you don't like me?

No, I mean, what things like reason third mouth is whenever I'm I'm constantly trying to get ahead of things so I can get home, you know, take the kids out, okay, I'm walking involved in the Cub Scouts and like a leader,

What I was doing was trying to put you help you feel what your son feels by using the method of threats. If you don't do this, then this you can't go out until and then you use commands. No, you can't do this.

All of us when we hear threats or commands, whether it's from the wife, you better put your get the garbage out now, you know, we resent it, we privately resent it. And there's a much better way to communicate with your kids and listen to the following. That doesn't make you into a doormat. That doesn't make it so the kids rule the roost. It's a very civilized way and I would love you to go to my website, Dr. kenner.com. And look at the authors who have written the books how to talk so kids will learn there they've also written the books how to talk so kids will listen and listen. So kids will learn. Talk, you will learn a whole different way of engaging their cooperation what to do instead of punishment, punishment backfires. I want you to help your son discover that learning can be fun, using his mind to think to learn whatever he's learning mathematics. Would geography social studies, if you can make it interesting and exciting, and not dull and boring and something that adult adults impose on kids. And if he can see it as a source of growing pride, he may not even need the tutors eventually. I mean, this kid may just run with it. But if you use the wrong parenting methods, you actually are getting in the way of them discovering the joy of learning. So I highly recommend the books by Maslin FOB Faber, the ones I just said. Okay, Dr. kenner.com is the website, you can just go to the books and look at the parenting books. It's the gold standard of parenting, they are magnificent. So I wish you some wonderful success. You can let me know how things go. If your wife reads them to you both be on the same page.

Okay, okay. All right. Thank you so much.

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And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. . .

From TV Show . . .
Look, I'm sorry, I cut you off like that before. I've just never gotten in for that psychological mumbo jumbo that show you a bunch of blots and that's your might your toilet habits. Why does everything we do shrink start in the crotch?

And that's from Fraser and that's his dad talking to Fraser himself. And you know, when you go to a psychologist in the old days, that was the case you know, most a lot of psychologists were Freudian or they were behaviorists. Nowadays, when you go to a psychologist, if you go to a cognitive therapist, cognitive is a dressed up word for thinking for using understanding your thoughts understanding why you feel the way you do. A cognitive therapists will teach you how to self manage how to use your own mind in a way that helps you discover what you love in life, what you don't like in life, and how to deal with your own anxiety, how to identify it specifically so that you know what the source of your things anxiety is, how to deal with mental states, we get into that and not so pleasant guilt, or how to deal with feeling overloaded, lots of different things that you skills that you can learn that could be at your fingertips, they could be lifetime skills for yourself that were never taught in school, we are never taught these skills in school. So if you are just feeling like you are overwhelmed with problems, something's really bugging you in your life right now. And you don't know where to go, you don't know who to turn to, you can try to find a cognitive therapist and I always recommend.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. And my show is the rational basis of happiness. I recommend going to either my website Dr. kenner.com, and finding the link or going directly to the Academy of CBT cognitive therapy dot maybe org, maybe either.com.org o RG. And just seeing if you can find a cognitive therapist in your area and reading up about cognitive therapy and how it can open up your inner world to you in a way that where you can clarify all the confusions and love your life

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

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Stress is an integral part of most people's lives today. Perhaps the most common cause is time pressure, although money is often an important factor as well. For many couples there's too much to do and too little time or too many bills and too little cash partners can help each other in times of stress. Be a good listener, not an unwelcome advice giver which only adds to the stress. Provide serenity and a restful environment for each other. Make your home as sane universe. There everyone is treated with understanding benevolence and goodwill. Give your partner moral support and encouragement and help your partner find solutions to practical problems. If help is requested.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com