The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Here's a question I got from March and I as I'm reading it, see if you've been in this situation and how you would manage it.

Dear Dr. Kenner, what should I do about this guy I met last summer. I met him last summer and had one of those moments that many of us had had. I got carried away in the moment. After we hooked up, he told me he was creeped out by me. And that I was a stage five clinger.

(Now, breaking out of the email for a minute, I had to look that up a stage five and five clinger came from the wedding crasher, and it's someone who's over attached, who is on the rebound, or somebody who's very fragile, and you get the idea. So continuing with marches, email . . .)

No contact for a year with him. And now I get a text from him wanting to meet me in person to apologize. I responded to him, to his text. And I called him some mean names. I was not sweet and flirty. I acted like I wasn't interested in him. Could he have been thinking about me this whole year? A week has gone by? And honestly, I have the urge to contact him to see him and get my closure? Would it be a bad idea for me to contact him first? Thanks, March.

March, I am really hearing mixed messages in your question to me, because on one hand, I hear that you're angry with him, you know, he called you this name. You don't want anything to do with him, you're done. You're also embarrassed. It was one of those nights you hooked up with him and he's out of your life. On the other hand, there's like this huge curiosity piece saying, oh, has he been thinking about me for the past year? Does he still like me? Maybe I need to see him to get my closure. And of course, he wants to see you to apologize. And sometimes those are called Big Fat lies to ourself. Because it could be that you both just, maybe you're lonely or you want to hook up again, or you want to explore what went on. But chances are, that doesn't sound like the foundation for a great relationship.

So would it be a bad idea to contact him first? It would absolutely be a bad idea, Marge, for you to contact him without understanding yourself a little bit deeper. So you want to ask him you want to be honest with yourself? What is it you? What do you hope to gain from meeting with him? If you hope to gain looking at him in the face and saying it's over? It's it was over day one. I don't like I don't appreciate someone who calls me a clinger when I just met you. And if you're you've already done that you texted him. So I'm not fully convinced that you want to do it to meet with him solely to get closure because closure can be gotten in many ways. And one of them in a situation like this is just not seeing him anymore. Just having nothing more to do with him.

The other so you want to know more about yourself first? What is it that is suddenly making him a little more interesting to you? What is it you know about yourself? Have you been dating and these are not questions for me. Obviously, they're introspective questions to ask yourself, am I interested? Is there anyone else in my life and my feeling a little bit lonely now? Has it been a while since I've had any intimacy and I just would like to be in the arms of somebody even though he might not be the best person for me or I know very little about him. So first . . .

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Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is The Selfish Path to Romance - a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That IS interesting.
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So first, you want to really use it as an opportunity to learn about yourself. If you want self esteem, the key to that March is making good choices. And if you have a habit of hooking up which I don't hear that you do, because you said this was just kind of a one shot thing that sometimes happens to people. But if that's something that you do, do, you want to learn to make better choices because the person that's going to hurt most and they'll forget about diseases and everything else? You're putting yourself at risk for the person that's going to hurt most is you you will not respect yourself because you always live with we always live with ourselves and we know what choices we make. I know my own good choices. I know the ones that were not so good. And we hopefully repair ourselves or make better choices going forward and admire ourselves more.

So the second piece that you want is what do you know about his character? He's a guy who said you were a stage five clinger? He was creeped out by you, man. If someone said to me, Ellen, I want to fix you up with someone. Let's let's not fast forward, but, but go back in time a bit. And I was just a teenager, a young adult and they said, I want to fix you up with somebody. By the way, he's going to be creeped out by you. It's like no, thank you. Or if I dated him once and heard that he was creeped out by me by someone credible. It's like that word creeped out is that's not making me feel important, valued and cared for and cherish. I'm not feeling visible with him. I'm feeling like a creepy person like a cleaner in that case. So what do you know about his character? Is he honest? Is he does he have a good job? Is he lovable? Is he attentive? Or do you know nothing about him? Was he just a random person you met at a party hooked up or he's a friend of a friend of a friend and you're hooked up, but you haven't done any investigative work? Man, if you are looking for a long term partner or a good relationship, let's not maybe you're not ready to get married yet, but a good relationship. You want to know about that person's character and you want to value yourself enough to not go around and you know this already hooking up? The flirty parts, always fun, you know, does he love me or not? Or does he is the entry he may not be able to love you obviously on that he would on the first night. But that flirty part is so much fun in dating, will they call Should I call him and of course it's anxiety producing but it can be wonderfully playful and fun. And yeah, you feel romantic you feel on fire. And hopefully the other person does too. When you're attracted to one another. I know my husband and I felt that way about one another. And that's what you saw. You want to have that flirtiness within the context of building your own self esteem, valuing yourself and really learning about the other person.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting . . .

humorous read Pate, and good natured teasing can be a lot of fun when partners are in sync. Never use humor in anger or as a disguised form of aggression such as sarcasm, or to score points with an audience. Imagine telling an embarrassing story about your partner at a dinner party. Sometimes your partner might enjoy the story being told and sometimes not. Depending on the content of the story, the audience and your partner's psychology. Out of respect. Always ask permission before you tell a funny story about your partner. Agree beforehand on what you can share in public.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com