The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Now what would you do if you looked on your boyfriend's computer? And you noticed that he has porn, but not just any, you know, run of the mill, Playboy or something site? He has porn of his ex girlfriend on his computer. And what do you do then? How do you respond? So, here's a question I received from Angela.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. What should I do about my boyfriend who won't delete porn of him and his ex off of his computer, he doesn't want to talk about it with me anymore. Angela.

Angela, my first thought was, oh, my God, I would be so upset. I can remember my dating years. And you know, we didn't, . . . Porn wasn't out in the open in those days the way it is now. But I would have been very upset if I saw my boyfriend had a file of videos of himself with his girlfriend in compromising situations. And I would want to know why I would really want to work with him to understand it. So it sounds like a few things have happened. And I want to look at this from a few different perspectives.

The first one is either communication breakdown in any good relationship, you want to be able to discuss things that are very painful, or things that are seemingly off limits, you don't want to brush them under the rug. So he's saying he doesn't want to talk about it? Did you guys chew it out? Did he give you good reasons as to why he wants to keep it? Or did he just try to shut you down and refuse to see it from your perspective? And he kind of wants to have a dossier or have porn from all his girlfriends? I don't know. Or maybe, maybe he's someone who just wants to keep that particular one particular sexual memory video that was very loving, and he doesn't want to get rid of it. Well, then that raises a lot of questions, doesn't it? Angela?

Does he still love his ex? And maybe he's hoping for a future with her. And he's keeping those memories very vivid, because in one sense, man, we can all keep our memories of sexual encounters with former lovers. Because we do that in our minds. We can't erase those. So why is he wanting the actual video? And that raises another question. Is he getting gratification from it? In which case the intimacy is still on her, not you? Does the footage or his having footage of them in compromising situations is x make you feel less than adequate and with intimacy or not even want intimacy with Him? So that's the first point just looking at the communication breakdown and the questions it raises.

The second is, is he respectful of his exes? Privacy? Does his ex even want this on the this porn that he has on his computer? You know, sometimes people do things that are spontaneous, and then they regret it afterwards. Why is he holding this? And does, is he respecting her privacy? If not, I don't know that I would want him for a boyfriend.

The third question or perspective to look at this from is . . .
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Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

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The third question, question or perspective to look at this from is what is the nature of porn. Porn covers such a wide spectrum? At the raunchy end, it might be some footage that absolutely repulses you, and it gives you information about him. Is he the guy for you? At the tame end of the spectrum? Maybe someone's porn is that he was hugging his girlfriend, then she was topless on a lovely beach, the first vacation in the Caribbean. And I don't know how he would take a picture. Maybe he had a tripod set up. And there's nothing graphic, you know, except for a love loving embrace. And then the question is, why does he does you know, why does he want to keep this warm memory? Is he still connected with her and if it's a threat to your relationship, it may be a relationship breaker for you if he refuses to ever take it off.

So there's a much broader question here. And I think a very, very interesting one, Angela, which is when you move on to a new partner, what do any of us what do partners do with evidence from past relationships. And that can vary widely. Some will treat it as Oh, that's just your past, it's not a threat to my relationship. Others will use it as a threat. Well, I always have these pictures of Judy, Judy and I had a really good relationship, and others will, you know, be unsatisfied with their current relationship, and they will pined over it, they might not share it with you. But every Memento every video, every photo is a reminder that can emotionally pull them away from you. And it doesn't make the relate your relationship stronger or anyone's in that situation.

So I thought of what did what did my husband and I do? Well, my husband never asked me to toss out all of my photo albums during my dating years, my teenage years. So I have all the prom photos, and I dated a lot. So we've been married 48 years now. So do I look at them? No, I don't even recall the last time I don't even have any motivation to look at them. They feel like clutter to me. Do I want to throw them away right away? No, I don't want to throw them away. I you know, I'd like to someday cull through them. But it's not a top priority in my life. It's my history, and it doesn't interfere with our relationship. And my husband, I'm sure somewhere has this little black book of names of his girlfriends, which I once found on his table when we were dating and his night table. And he has a painting in our barn that he made of another woman that's quite sexy. And these are not issues in our relationship. Neither one of us are making that a focus of our days, you know, we're enjoying each other's company. We're not faking that we didn't have a past. And we're not pining over past relationships, and we're not using it as threats. And we're not immersed in the past. You know, so it's not an issue, but it really matters how couples deal with that, whether and what pain it causes.

And if you feel visible, cherished, valued cared for in your relationship, maybe it won't matter to you. If it does, that doesn't necessarily mean something bad. Maybe there was a really messy divorce and you'd really like your spouse to move on and not feel wrapped around it. But they really want to keep the pictures of the kids. And that's a sticky situation as long as both of you know that you value one another and work out a solution that's mutually good for both of you without, you know someone sacrificing pictures of their kids. If it's a divorce situation, that's it's basically the communication in the love between the two of you now that matter most.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting . . .

To have a thriving romantic relationship does not mean you must always be chained together. feeling a sense of relief when your partner goes on a trip does not necessarily mean you don't love that person. Maybe you need some private time just as your partner does occasionally. If you always want your partner to leave town that's a different matter. In a thriving relationship. You will always be glad to see your partner come home, you'll be happy you had some time to yourself and will feel reinvigorated romantically. Obviously we don't condone sneakiness irrationality or any type of dishonesty during those times that you're on your own.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com