The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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As a parent, have you ever felt like you're cutting yourself short and you're cutting your kids short, like, you're so busy in life that you don't have any time to maybe attend your kids games or do the things you want with your kids. You shuffle them around, but it's like shuffling a deck, and you never get to play cards, you never get to enjoy your kids. And then you just feel guilty every time you have that thought?

Well, I was recently reading a book The Arrowhead by Qatar and Shaw. And it's not on this topic. But there was one example in this book that just really hit home. It's, it's an example that I thought that I know is well worth sharing. So if you are struggling between family and work and other obligations, have a seat and listen in this is about an adult husband and father, who is just so frustrated.

He is so busy with work that he doesn't have time for his young son, his very young son, actually, I think he was around seven years old or so. And that this adult father went to his own dad and he's saying to his dad, you know, we have such a good relationship with one another and I don't have that with my son. And I just don't seem to connect with my son the way you were able to. You and mom were able to connect with me. And so here it begins. This is quote. This is from the dad.

Son, do you mind? Do you mind if I tell you a story? I promise it won't be one of those long winded ones I occasionally get wrapped up in once there was a father who came home from work late, and he was tired, frustrated and hungry. He had a seven year old son. And the young boy looked at his dad when he sat down and said, Dad, how much money do you make? The dad frustrated, looked at his son and said that's really none of your business. The boy tried to ask again, Dad, how much money do you make in a whole hour at work? The dad was pretty frustrated by this point and said $20 an hour. Then without even a moment's hesitation the boy asked, Dad can I have $10 The father was impatient. And work was long and tiring that day. And he just wasn't up to dealing with a selfish seven year old boy. The father aggravated said, How dare you ask me for so much money when I work so hard to get what we have. I can't give you that much money, you would just wasted on something that isn't important. Son go to your room and stay there. You shouldn't be asking for so much money. The boys slowly made his way to his room. And the dad didn't hear from him for some time.

Finally, the dad decided that maybe he was a bit too harsh on the boy and he'd go and check in on him. He went upstairs and open the door and asked his son who was lying on his bed. It if he was asleep, the boy turned over and said no. Son, I might have been too hard on you earlier. I am sure you want the money for some good reason. Just this once I'm going to give you the $10. The father pulled $10 out of his wallet and gave it to his son. The boy almost jumped for joy and lifted up his pillow. The father could see that there were a number of dollar bills and coins under the pillow. And he was about to get mad at the boy again for asking for so much money when he already had money. The father asked with a stern voice. What do you need the $10 for? The boy looked at his dad gathered up all the money, handed it to him and said, Dad, I've been saving up for a long time. Here is $20 Can you come home on time tomorrow and play Hot Wheels with me for an hour?


The dad, the father who was listening to his own father, looked at his father. Nothing had to be said, no analogy, no need to make the point. The young father got the message. And then the father added to the son. He said son, the father in that story was me. And you were the seven year old boy. So imagine saving up money. So you can spend one hour with your father saving up $20 We so lose perspective in our lives. We don't know how to treasure what's really important and we can get wrapped up in small tasks and in small, little things and we look at our own kids as a duty. You're a chore or something else on the plate. And yes, we all need respite breaks from our kids and they need breaks from us. That's a PS. But it to really focus on what is the joy of being with your kids playing Hot Wheels and really getting into it, or not playing Hot Wheels and thinking, oh, jeez, I wish I could get this done on my computer and really being present in the moment with your loved ones. Now think in your own life. Did you have one or two individuals who truly focused in on you, who truly valued you. I don't care from any walk of life. Maybe it was a teacher, maybe it was a neighbor, maybe you got lucky and it was a mom or a dad or a grandparent, but someone who genuinely treasured you. You'll remember who those are, because those people are important.

I remember having an aunt who taught me how to oil paint. I was a little tyke. She bought me a skateboard, which in the 1960s was pretty edgy. That was pretty out there. My parents were a little upset with that. When I came home with one, my aunt taught me how to sew. I used to call her aunt NAT it was on a net but I shortened it. She was vivacious and she was tons of fun. She laughs very easily. And when I think back and think well what went well with her. When I visited her I'd go up and visit live with her for a week in the summer. I felt like I was totally important that she cared for me. She was with me. She was interesting and fun.

She didn't give up her life. She would bring me with her at times and introduce me to gardening or to people. She wasn't afraid of people and I just grew when I was around her. It isn't that she did everything for me. She taught me she taught me swimming a little bit. Sewing dot How to Sell dolls, clothes and skateboarding, gardening and oil painting. So I felt like I was growing with her. And she was also very affectionate without being gooey. She asked interesting questions. So all of that makes for a dynamite relationship. That's called psychological visibility. We want that with our loved ones, including in our romantic relationships. And we often kill it by trying to micromanage or being indifferent or getting too busy in our lives. I'm Dr. Alan Kenner, a clinical psychologist you can pick up the phone and give me a call toll free 1877 Dr. Ken or Dr. K e n n ER

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting.

It is essential that partners take the time to show their love for one another as often as is feasible. Do this in both actions and in words. But what if a partner refuses to listen or respond for example, using the silent treatment, this may be an attempt to control you by deliberately causing you to feel intimidated, helpless, upset and even desperate. It is a cruel way for a partner to act and must not be tolerated for long either both communicate or there's no relationship. The bottom line and communication is that romantic partners need to let each other know in word and deed that they fully value understand and accept each other and that they are all each other's needs and wants as a lover.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com