The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Here's a question I got from Melanie, about a psychologist and ethics.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. My former boyfriend who had a history of substance abuse, broke up with me and got involved romantically with his psychologist that was short lived. But they bought a home together and still cohabitating though not as a couple, there was supposedly a two year gap between treatment and buying a home together. But that's not what I recall. Was there an ethical breach by the psychologist? My ex boyfriend has made several attempts to reconnect with me over the years, which has stirred a lot up a lot in me. I'm trying to process it all. I've always questioned the ethics of a psychologist and I've had some consideration to report this person, though I did not act at that, on that line of thinking. And I guess she chose not to, could use some feedback from a professional. Melanie.

Melanie, Boy, I've got a raised eyebrow on that one. But again, I can't make a snap judgment over the radio. Because I don't know the full picture. And I haven't talked with the psychologist or the boyfriend. So let me give you the ethical principles of psychologists and their code of conduct. You can look this up online, this is available to anyone. But before I address that - it is YOUR life. Melanie, if this boyfriend did damage with you, and let's pretend it wasn't a psychologist, let's pretend that it was a teacher. I'm not a teacher.

But let's pretend that it was just another girlfriend. And they bought a home together. Man, does it make any sense to reconnect with this person, and know that they're contacting you again. You don't have any obligations to reconnect with anyone who has caused you emotional concern. In addition, you're telling me he had a history of substance abuse. So you want to take a close look at that too. And look at your look at your alternatives. It is your life, you don't have a duty to reconnect. And if you look at whatever benefit is in it for you to reconnect, if at all, and whether it's better to move on with your life. So the question is what is best for me in my life now? Now we're going back several years, what you're dealing, what you're talking about with your boyfriend and the psychologist is called dual relationships, are boundary issues.

And there's always been this running debate. Should you completely avoid dual relationships? Might be a business agreement. It might be you know, what if I go to ballroom dance lessons, and one of my clients happens to go to the same place and I go to dance in the mixer and I ended up dancing with a client? Do I just bow out and not dance? People will look at it and say weird. What do you do? I haven't had that situation. But you know, that's a feasible problem. How do you deal with it if you live in a small community? So dating, bartering entering into a business arrangement, you attend a funeral of a client's loved one? Are they always wrong? While one school says . . .

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Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is The Selfish Path to Romance - a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That IS interesting.
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Are they always wrong? Well, one school says don't be dogmatic. Look at the six situation and determine it contextually you need to have all of the data. Another says Ah, don't break any boundaries, especially the sexual ones.

So now I'm going the reasons that we do this a number one is that you try not to break those boundaries. You know, unless there are very extenuating circumstances maybe someone's in hospice and you go over and above to help them out a client or something. But the reason you don't do it is that you might therapy to work it isn't about you and the client in a romantic relationship. It's about the client getting on with their life, learning new skills.

The second thing is that you're you want to protect the client, you're getting so much information there are what they call power differentials, you're the one with all the knowledge was trying to help them right. And I mean, they have knowledge to about themselves, but you're being a good guide to them. And you also want to protect yourself from liability if you're a therapist. Now, having said that, I know of some cases where it's worked out.

I had a teacher in college. Who mentioned the college I went to when I had a teacher there, who married one of her students and, and she said that there were problems. I mean, she openly acknowledged in classes with us. I don't know why she did that, but she did. And, but there are but sometimes it can work out.

Okay, so here are the ethical principles so that you can have them firsthand. Number one sexual intimacies with current therapy clients or patients. Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with current clients and patients. Then sexual intimacies with former client therapy clients and patients, and it says psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with a former client or patient for at least two years after cessation or termination of therapy. They do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients or patients, even after a two year interval, except in the most unusual circumstances. Psychologists who engage in such activity after two years, following cessation or termination of therapy, and of having no sexual contact with the former client bear the burden of demonstrating that there's been no exploitation in light of all the relevant factors, including the amount of time that has passed since therapy ended. The nature duration and intensity of therapy, the circumstances of termination, the client patient's personal history, the client patient's current mental status, and the likelihood of adverse impact on the client or patient, and any statement or actions made by the therapist during the course of therapy suggesting or inviting the possibility of post termination sexual or romantic relationship with the client patient. So there you have it. That's those are the rule. Those are the ethical. That's the code of conduct the ethical principles of psychologists. So hope that helps you out.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Here's a quick question. Hi, Dr. Kenner, why does it hurt so much when you've been rejected by someone you're romantically involved with? And I think it's a great question. So many of us have gone through the pain of being rejected. I know I did in college, and I went to therapy and they gave me one Valium. That's what they did in those days. They didn't teach me thinking skills. So why does it hurt so much? And what can you do? You want to ask yourself that question, why is it hurting me so much? And some some possibilities? Could be he was the nicest guy I've ever met. I'll never find anyone like him. Or it could be anger. After all I've done how could he leave me or it could be betrayal, I met someone else. I won't trust anyone ever again. You could be thoughts about yourself that you're hurting, I'm not good enough or I'm replaceable. Or maybe he saw things in me that aren't good. Maybe I should have treated him better. Maybe there's some guilt there. Or maybe the hurt comes from sadness, just thinking catastrophically I'll never find anyone. Or maybe it's about romance. I'll never have a romantic relationship or I don't want to start over what to do. You can get our book the book that Dr. ed lock and I wrote which is on my website, DrKenner.com Dr. K en en er.com The Selfish Path to Romance, how to love with passion and reason and learn how to deal with these issues.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting.

Some benefits of open communication on difficult topics such as thoughts of flirting or cheating our it diffuses the secretiveness and forbidden fruit aspect of the contemplated affair, which often decreases its appeal. You are no longer Romeo secretly meeting Juliet at the gym, trying to hide it from your wife, your wife now knows you are allowing yourself to face all the facts without evasion. You will be motivated to look at the situation with more scrutiny and deal with the wider consequences of the attraction, a possible divorce. You can make choices such as changing what gym you go to, or what time you go so that you don't continue to tempt yourself. You

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com