The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

(Micro ad) . . .
The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
=======

Jamie, you're looking at ways to control your anger.

Yes, ma'am.

Yeah, what's going on?

Well, I kind of grew up with it on one of my parents. My dad, yeah, he was very reactive. And he used to call him quick tempered. Yes, we would caution how we speak with him. And he passed away when I was a teenager at the age of 59, due to some other medical complications. And then all of a sudden, when I get to be 49, I started having cardiac trouble. Oh, I have three steps. Okay. Medically, I cannot take a statin medication. I have a real difficulty with them. They affect me emotionally. They affect me thought process unproductive at work. I've tried about seven or eight of them. They want my LDL cholesterol lower. But I'm afraid it's due to the fact that I am somewhat reactive.

Okay, so you would you call yourself quick temper, then do you think that you are mirroring what dad did?

To a point. Not as extreme.

Okay, what do you do better?

What do I do?

Yeah, you must cope better if it's not as intense, not as extreme?

Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Sometimes I find myself driving down the road of my business. And I find myself angry at coworkers. Smells angry at children. Just it's just seems like you always go there.

Okay, so that's it. That's not what you're doing better, though, when you said that. So let me see. Let me get the picture. Clearly first, that you find you're worried about having a heart attack, you're worried that the stress from your anger could do you in like it did with your father who died at age 59? I've already had two. You've already had two heart attacks. So your stents put in, right? No, I did hear that. So moving away from the medical now and towards the psychological. If you're asking how do I manage my anger, that is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. Because if you can manage your anger, guess what, you'll improve everything, everything, you'll you'll improve your life with your kids, with your spouse, with your co workers with yourself, you will like yourself better. I loved learning anger management skills. And because I was the first one to benefit I could handle very provocative or very difficult situations so differently than I did it as a child. You know, my sisters and I had two younger sisters and we all fought. We all did the anchor dance. And you know, my parents didn't have all the skills. I had some skills, but certainly not all. So they got frustrated with us. And I remember when I was really young, I was told my father got so angry once he put mashed potatoes in my hair. I don't remember the details. But you know, you try to feed a kid and not eating it and you just stick it in their hair. You can kind of resin you can feel for the father, but it isn't the best way to cope because what does he feel after he does that? He feels remorse. He feels remorse. He feels sheepish embarrassed. Does he want anyone at work to know he put mashed potatoes in this little kid's hair? Why did I do that? Yeah. Why did I do that?

So here's what's going on with anger. Anger is the emotion we feel when we think when we think things are not fair. It's not fair with my co worker, why doesn't my spouse Listen to me? Why don't my kids listen to me? And we typically hear our side of the equation. And we typically get so emotional our pulse goes up, but you know that you have heart problems, right? Everything goes, our whole physiology gets turned on and not in a good way the arousal is just weigh high. It's off the thermometer. And we're not very effective listeners when that happens. Exactly. So can you pick one quick example of some some situation that if you knew at least one way to handle it differently would help you tremendously or even a little bit.

Turned on a song.

Okay, turn on a song. What do you mean?

I've always enjoyed music. I've even enjoyed it more than what I do as a professional.

Okay, so if you if you listen to sue, is it soothing music or is it acid Hard Rock?

No, it's not acid Hard Rock. It might be a country song,

Countrys can be a little depressing. So it might seem like switching. Yeah. But if it's something that tends to turn down your physiology go for it. That's one of the skills you can use to have music in the background for yourself. So here, let me give you the skills just, I wish I could give you everything in anger management. I can't at once. So I will give you some references. But I'll also give you an overview of the skills that you can use. And that's, you want to, number one, . . .

=======
(ad)
Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is The Selfish Path to Romance - a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That IS interesting.
=====

But I'll also give you an overview of the skills that you can use. And that's you want to, number one, understand your own anger. Now, how do we do that? I can tell you that your anger is the emotion we feel when we appraise things as it's not fair. So what is not fair if you're driving home from work, and you're furious at your co worker, and you're about to cut someone off on the road, because you're so angry with your co worker, listen to your own self talk. Do you know what I mean by self talk? I talk what we say under in our minds to ourselves. For example, I can't believe my coworker did this. She's such an idiot. She's not going to get away with it. Nobody's going to push me around like this now my angry. Yeah, can you see me building but each one of those sentences is my instruction manual of how to deal with her. And if I try to deal with her by dominating her domination makes me feel inadequate. If my father puts the mashed potatoes in my head when I'm a little kid, what he's doing on his he's, he's bearing down on my weaknesses, you know, I can't fight him. I'm a little kid. And instead, if you negotiate with someone, if you learn how to actively listen to them, if you put Do you know, walk, walk a little bit in their shoes, and see the world from their perspective. Sometimes it changes your anger. And if you learn how to negotiate that involves respecting the strength, your own strengths and the other person's strengths. Now, how do you do that? Well, you need to first understand your own self talk, and then learn new self talk. So if somebody is real mean to me, let's say a co worker is real mean to me. Listen to what I might say to myself. Are you ready?

Yeah.

I might say to myself, Oh, man, I only have to put up for this for another hour. I am so glad I am not married to her. Can you see how that changes it a little bit? Yeah. Or man, she's really. She really doesn't know how to listen, well, maybe if I write her notes or something that would be a better way to get through to her. Or am I listening to her maybe I don't understand her perspective well enough. That's developing an inquiring mind rather than an attacking one. So if you get books, there are wonderful books on anger management, cognitive therapy, you could even Google cognitive therapy, anger, manage anger control. There's an anger control workbook that I have in my hand right now. But you could go through a workbook and give yourself the music skill. The relaxing yourself physiology, physiologically, and more Jamie, so listen, I wish you the best.

Thank you very much.

Okay, thank you and go listen to some yummy, delicious music.

I usually like to listen to high energy stuff.

Okay. Okay, well, listen to whatever you love. Keep up the great work. Oh, thanks, Jamie.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting.

Molly a 62 year old housewife and her husband Bill were living the highlife together and Till one day bill died of a heart attack. Molly was shocked to discover that they'd been living on borrowed money and that Bill had left her penniless. She had no clue about their financial situation she had to go to work at minimum wage just to make ends meet. In this case, Bill's motives were not to protect his wife from financial responsibilities, but to protect her from his deceit. Protecting a loved one from basic knowledge needed to live especially finances is not a benefit. It leaves that in quotes protected partner feeling psychologically dependent on the knowledgeable one for basic needs and is often used as a means of control rather than as an expression of love.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com