The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.

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Here's a question I received from Joe.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I'm a 20 year old male. And I've been thinking a lot about why I have problems in my social relationships. People just don't seem fair enough. I'm trying to be the real me to be nice to everyone to be there when they need me. But I started to figure out that being this way makes them take advantage of me and not appreciate what I'm doing for them. I'm really confused. I have no idea what to do. Thanks, Dr. Kenner. Joe.

My gut response to this was oh, boy, do I know where you're coming from. Because I remember when I was in when I was a young adult, even but in my youth, and when I was a young adult, I remember wanting to be good doing things for other people, without burning out without getting that bit of resentment that I had seen so often, and people around me, especially women that were in long term relationships, it's like what's the use? Why bother? You can't fight city hall, I just grin and bear it. You know, all those things we use. You just have to live and learn and but they don't learn. So. So I felt like I was trying to be good, always trying to anticipate other people's needs and do what they needed. And I was making myself into a doormat. People were stepping on me. And if they wanted to do something for me, I trained them. No, no, no, no, no, I only want to do for everyone else. It was other ism. I was living this. I didn't know it at the time. It's the philosophy of altruism, which philosophically means altruism. And in Latin is other ism, that everybody counts. Everybody matters. Everybody's needs are important. Except your own. You make yourself into a second class citizen, you make yourself into a slave. You exist to serve other's needs. And so many of us adopt this policy and we're not even fully aware of it. So I never wanted to be that type of person. That was a my way or the highway or me only you do what I say period. I made the opposite mistake.

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Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is The Selfish Path to Romance - a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That - is - interesting.
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So I never wanted to be that type of person that was a my way or the highway or me only you do what I say period, I made the opposite mistake. I was losing myself. So being nice to others in quotes nice in a sacrificial sense that faked niceness is a cancer in all relationships. Because you are not being fair to one person to yourself, and you train others that you will wait on them. So over time, as you can see Joe, it wears thin you become resentful of them and you feel like a sucker and you have you've earned something. It's not high self esteem. It's low self esteem. So if you want to be the real you the real you isn't betraying yourself, the real you is holding on to yourself, valuing yourself and I recommend you read the book The virtue of selfishness is not my way or the highway. It's the virtue of making yourself into a person you admire. Making yourself have good moral character, or building building good moral character into in yourself to the point where you value yourself you never become a doormat and you never step on other people. You want to learn how to think independently, and also how to pursue your values to be a passionate valuer. To think for yourself, have the courage learn assertiveness skills to pursue your dreams, not whims, not short range drinking, drinking and driving while drunk or gambling. But picking a reasonable goals in the areas of your life such as romance and career and hobbies or leisure activities or picking good friends, not people who will step on you.

So I recommend the virtue of selfishness and the books that saved me from this philosophy of self sacrifice is fought the fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged also all Iron Rand there on my website, DrKenner.com. And also you want to learn how to then deal with other people not by becoming a doormat. But having what's called a trader relationship, you trade value for value, you rub my back, I rub you, as you're a good friend to me, I'll be a good friend to you. And it's just, it's, it feels fair. That's what you want in any good relationship that's solid grounding, that feeling that you trust the other person, and they admire you for what's good in you, and you admire them for what's good in them. And that's a wonderful relationship. So it's not even trading material goods. It's making its spiritual with I'm not meaning mystical. It's just psychological. It's wonderful. So I wish you the best with that.

And here's a quick question from John.

I've been dating a woman, Edith for about a half a year. I'm not religious, but she is. When we first started dating, I let her know that I was not religious and was not interested in rituals. She was okay with this. And for five months, we had a good relationship with no signs of rituals. However, three weeks ago, she started praying before meals, and asked that I be quiet while she prayed. This feels like a bait and switch. When I asked her why she said that she has done this all her life and only stopped doing this when we met to please me. Is this a warning sign that we might not be a good match? John.

John, I've got three points to make. Number one, what we just talked about this woman, Edith that you're dating is a people pleaser. She's got that altruistic mentality that she's got to please you all the time and fake niceness to you. And so she tried that for five months. She really likes praying before her meals but because you didn't like it, you rule the roost and she decided not to just to please you. So she ends up deceiving you. And so Edith II this, her people pleaser mentality is the first problem. She's self betraying, she needs to find someone who enjoys saying prayers before dinner. And she by faking it to you she only prolongs the pain for both of you. The second point is her deception. If she's if she she led you to believe that she's religious, but it's not that important in her life. And certainly she wasn't praying before meals. And suddenly she does her bait and switch. Now it was important to her and she needed to tell you that at the outset because you both wasted five months of your life. If that's very important to her the third point is that you are learning more about her when she says she's religious you needed to inquire modify, because that's a major distinction. Do you raise your kids religious or not? So you both need to go back and have a conversation.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. . .

How do you know you don't like chocolate if you refuse to try it?

Do you like worms?

What?

How do you know if you've never tasted one?

And that's from the movie Chocolate, an absolutely fabulous movie you can download today. Have your kids ever trapped you by turning your own logic back on you? How do you know if you don't like worms if you've never tried them? You know, with our kids, we taught them that if somebody says to them, you can't do this. And they my kids ask why? And the person says just because Because I said so. My kids would say well, because this isn't an answer. Can you give me some reasons. And I don't think the people like that very much the recipients of that. But we taught them not to just take in authorities words that they they deserve to hear reasons. And my daughter caught me in my own logic. I remember using a parenting skill, which is called a forced choice. You give a child a choice within limits, which is an absolutely fabulous skill. Listen to how it worked in my home. I said to my daughter, would you like to go to bed now or in a half hour. This is when she's a little tyke, and she looks at me and says, Mom, that's a false alternative. I don't want either of those. I want to go to bed and whatever it was two hours or something not now or in a half hour. Then I taught her what a false alternative was. And she picked up on it and said not A or B. Now we're in a half hour but see none of the above. So what I love with kids is just their inquiring mind. And if you're you're a parent and you can see some of the questions or some of even maybe they're irksome behavior as endearing and the They're inquiring minds they're growing their minds. You might learn to cherish it rather than to get irritated with that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Asking your partner to sacrifice their rational values destroys relationships. Consider this example from an advice column. A recently remarried man stated that he wanted to take a trip with his 12 year old daughter from his first marriage in order to bond with her before she became a teenager enmeshed in school of peer relationships. His wife adamantly opposed the idea even though she didn't object to his taking an equally long vacation with his fishing buddies. Her objection to his vacationing with his daughter was based on jealousy and insecurity with she allowed to undermine an important value of her husband's. If she truly loved him. She would not only permit but also encourage him to take the trip because it was important to him. This would have strengthened their relationship.

You can download chapter one for free by going to drkenner.com
and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com