The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com or at amazon.com.

Anna, you have a daughter who was labeled ADHD?

Yes.

Yeah. Tell me what's going on with her?

Well, I'm the teacher at her voluntary kindergarten class pre K. After about a month, she approached me and said she thought Sara could possibly have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder because she couldn't sit still. And she immediately brought up medication. And I was I just was shocked. Because, you know, my daughter's, yeah, she's active, but I just thought that was kind of a quick diagnosis.

So she's gonna be, yeah, go ahead.

She's gonna be starting kindergarten this year. I'm concerned, because I think the moment I put her in school within a week, I know the teacher is going to call me and probably say, you know, has your daughter been tested? Or, you know, if she hyperactive and, and I'm a nurse, and I don't want to have my daughter on any medication at all. Okay, and you go ahead. I've been searching the web. And I know there's so many, so many alternatives to medication and possibly even a misdiagnosis. And I see how many times these children are misdiagnosed because they're either highly intelligent, or they're just not they don't fit the typical mold.

Oh, I just said, I love that. That is the page that I am typically on. I worked with lots of kids, I worked with highly abused kids for several years. And I was in court all the time, just being the voice of the child. And I'll tell you all, from all the kids that I saw, who are highly traumatized, I think I saw one that had what I might consider Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. And it wasn't that they weren't anxious. It wasn't that they weren't bouncing off the walls. At times. It was that height ADHD used to be called, do you remember? Do you know what it was called? Minimal? Minimal? Yeah, damn it, yes. And, and because minimum, nobody wants their child to have minimal brain damage. And so it was a very unpopular diagnosis. And they, you know, you might might be a forceps delivery where there was trauma to the brain, it might be some other problem. But this trauma to the brain and the child cannot focus. But the children that I have seen are the exact opposite. These kids are darling, they are energized like a Mark Twain, I'm like my own son, my son, my son, I think of ADHD. A colleague of mine called it the disease of the day. And there are two offices where I used to work and I used to work in a group practice. And if you walked into one office with your child, the child would typically you know, if the teacher said, the child has ADHD, the child would walk into the office and walk out with a diagnosis of guests one, ADHD, of course, they would give the teacher the reports, they would try to get collaborative evidence. But if you get any healthy child, or bright child who's bored in a dull class, or a teacher who wants the kids to just behave, she's overloaded too many kids, or she's burned out, she does not love her job, then medication looks very good. It's not sure, sure. So I do think that you can have brain a child can have brain damage. I'm not saying that that's not the case. But I am saying before I would ever get near that diagnosis with my child, I would first want to make sure what the facts were that led the teacher to suspect this, I would want her raw data. The other thing I would want to do is . . .

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The other thing I would want to do is look at all alternative explanations. You might have a very bright kid you're in, catered mom, me, you're a nurse. And she or she might be just, you know, kids have different different temperaments?

Well, you know, yeah, go ahead. I just want to say there's a lot of family dynamics that are going on. I just graduated with my associate's degree in nursing. So and I'm separated from my husband. And so there's a lot of things that have been going on in her life that are disruptive. And I know that all This can play a part have to possibly be depressed or, you know, and I'm trying to take all that into consideration. But I was thinking of taking her to a psychologist and having her evaluated, whatever I had to do to, you know, to get away from the ADHD and possibly come come up with something else. Yeah, what I wouldn't be wrong.

Let me tell you what I would do. I went to school while my kids were young. And I spent an enormous amount of time but I still had my guilt that I wasn't around and, and what you what, what works fabulously I mean, I spent hours upon hours reading child rearing books. And I repeat this all the time on my show, because I think these authors I'm about to mention are the gold standard in parenting. And it's, you can go to my website, DrKenner.com, Dr. K, e n, n er.com. And I won't take the time to go over the names in detail, but it's how to talk so kids will listen and listen. So kids will talk. Oh, yes, a total breath of fresh air, you can teach the course they have courses you can teach it. It's available, they have how to talk so kids will learn how to talk even so teens will will talk I have a 12 year old. Okay. So what I what this is what happened when when the kids went into one office, they would come out with ADHD. When they came into my office, I looked at exactly what you're saying. That's where I was going next. I'd love that you'd beat me to the punch. I looked at the family dynamics, what's going on possibly going on in your child's mind? Is she worried about the divorce? Is she missing you? Does she feel like this an older sibling? I mean, that's a huge age gap. 12 years old? And are they bio biological? Yes.

Yes, they are. And go ahead. I was just gonna say she's to be five and my son will be 13 on November. So

a nutshell because we're short on time. What are the dynamics are there that could be causing Little Sarah to just feel a little discombobulated?

Well, the biggest one is missing her father and we are separated. He comes in stays. We're working on our marriage. So he's here few days a week, and then he leaves and I think that really has a big impact on her why to see, she's like, Why does my daddy leave? And why does he come back and then go and, and in sometimes I think, you know, maybe I'm just making all this worse than trying to stay together for the sake of my kids.

Oh, to that, you know, I don't have enough data to answer that. Specifically, but if you're trying to stay together for your kids, I will tell you that older kids have said that it I feel so guilty because my parents were unhappily married. They stay together for a decade for me. I wish they hadn't done that. Because now I feel guilty. I'm in college and they're divorcing and you know, you don't realize what consequences there are. I know if you love listen, if you love your husband, and if it's worth fighting for fighting for the marriage, and you think there's a good chance of having him as your romantic partner, go for it. Get the counselling, read the book, passionate marriage, which is also on my website. But if the two of you were just perpetrating a fraud, you're staying together but you're not in love. Or you like each other. But you're not enough. Don't. Don't Don't do that to yourself. So the kids because you're teaching them how to lie, and you will be bitter and cynical when your kids start dating and want have a happy relationship you'll say right suffered for you.

Thank you so very much for the call and you can call back anytime. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

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