The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio)

Haley, you're having trouble with your husband?

Yes, ma'am. I guess I guess my my problem is that I feel like I have to compete with our friends from my husband's attention. He, he seems to want to be with all of our friends. And I kind of get pushed to the side.

Okay, can you give me a recent one of the most painful examples for that you recently went through?

Well, it's kind of hard to pinpoint one particular thing right off the top of my head. I don't I don't really think yeah, like something (text missing)

So you wanted to spend the evening with him or you made dinner for him or you were hoping to go on vacation alone with him. Or you wanted to do something you got to babysitter for the kids or something. You wanted to do something on your own. And he had to go with friends?

Well, we don't we don't go on vacations ourselves. What if we go on a vacation? He has to have our friends with us? Does he? Okay, we go out to eat.

How long have you been married?

almost 23 years?

23 years? Was he always like this?

No, no, we didn't. We didn't use the lacteus.

Okay. When did you go ahead?

Sorry. We have a 16 year old daughter and I can't remember the last time the three of us went out together. I can't even remember the time when we did that. It seems like that we've now everything revolves around having our friends to go with us.

Yeah, go ahead.

I'm even to the point where you know, it feels like if I approach him about this, he takes our friend side over anything that a feelings that I have.

Is it one set of friend or do you rotate friends or explain to me what the nature is? The friendships?

Well, we have a lot of friends. I mean, he's a very sociable person. We're very sociable people. We do we have a lot of activities. It seems like he he searches. He's constantly searching for something. And I don't know maybe some inner happiness. I'm not really sure. But he We do so many different things. We have so many different activities. And these friends kind of share the same.

Yeah. What activities Haley?

Camping, boating. We just recently come back from Las Vegas. In five weeks, we're going on a cruise to Mexico. And all of this is with the same people.

Okay, with how many people

are going on this cruise? There's about 30 of us.

30 of you. 30 of you. Okay, so is this a group that you where you hang out together with a particular group? Yes. In your wanting your hubby back is an exclusive When did you last have an exclusive time with him when you felt like you were important?

Really can't say,

Do you think he's having an affair at all? No. Oh, you don't think he's keeps

I don't think he's that. One of our friends. He is one of his best friends. Why is a very pushy, flirty type of person. And that's a conflict with us. I don't trust her and I don't like that. And he gets really sensitive if I say anything, because he's afraid of ruining his friendship with the husband. And I don't like the wife.

And so okay, here's the bottom line in a romantic relationship. It's fundamentally an exclusive. It's your partner saying I love you so much, Haley, I love you more than anyone else in the world. And I want to make our lives together so pleasurable, and then he would try to understand what's important to you. And he would learn that you want some exclusive time with him. And you said you have this you've been married for 23 years. And you're not feeling that anymore. And instead you're feeling like, Hey, wait, you're one of the girls, and I've got the girlfriends and the guy friends, we'll all hang out together. It's more like a camp atmosphere. Do you? What's the sex life like? A, B, C or D? or F?

about A? B minus.

c minus. Do you mean

I missed the intimacy? We it's not that it's non existent. Yeah, it's it's

mechanical routine?

No, no. Just not as often is what you say.

By your choosing or his choosing.

I guess I don't feel important enough doing

Yeah. Isn't that interesting to see enjoy sex? Yes, it as he does intimacy. But not the closeness? Is it more mechanical sex that he enjoys? Maybe? Yes. And you like a different type of sex. So you need to know each other's sexual. The what pleases each one of you sexually, and it's not working together. You don't have a couple's style, something that you boat that brings both of you. Pleasure. Right. Okay, so you're wondering what to do? What's the main question? Are you wondering whether to stay in the marriage? Or what how to reach him to see if he will change?

I want to know how to reach him how to reach because when I when I try to talk to him, yeah, he. He makes the statement that I want him. I can't say that word. Okay. He uses this word that I want him. Yeah. And that's not it. I just want a husband wife relationship. I feel like I'm married to all these other people.

Okay. So if he hears, you need to, you need to set your boundaries firmly. And you'd want to tell him, if you can remember one time when the two of you were together, alone with nobody else, and it worked? Well, then I would remember that instance. And I - let me give you an example, because we're running out of time here. But I would say, Honey, I love you so much. And I miss us. I miss us so much that is breaking me apart inside. We I know I've mentioned this before, we're always around other people. And I wonder why I wonder what that barrier is therefore, and I can remember the time. But the time we were on that island together, and we ran around and we were so frisky and playful with one another. I missed those times. And I'm wondering if you do too. I'm wondering if if we could run an experiment and just take a trip by ourselves within the next month. I would love doing that with nobody else. We can still take the other trips that we've planned but just try and experiment and run a trip by ourselves. I also would go to my website and get two books. One is the these the you can read these secret too. But you can the sex starved marriage by Michelle Weiner Davis and passionate marriage by David snark. sch n AR ch. So I hope that helps you want to reach out to him first. You deserve a much happier romantic relationship and you want to work towards those ends. So thank you so much for your call Haley and let me know how things work out.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories in goal setting.

One of the many financial issues that can cause painful or bitter conflicts and relationships. A major cause is lack of honesty. Lack of honesty with respect to money issues is a common complaint among romantic partners. It is no more appropriate to lie about money than it is to lie about sex or any other aspect of a relationship. Assuming that both partners are of good character. Thoroughly discussing and agreeing on how to handle important money issues beforehand will build trust and mutual respect.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com