The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio)

Caleb, you're falling in love and you're a little uncomfortable with the falling.

Yeah, a little bit. It's kind of a crazy time in my life. I've been through some some kind of rough relationships in the past and I, I just recently met this girl, she was kind of stranded. And she said, I kind of rescued you're sort of just walking down the road one night to something in the morning, and I was going to get some food was one of my roommates. And I was like, this girl is walking down kind of a sketchy road. It's like 25 degrees outside, like loosening some help. But I didn't want to stop at first because I thought she was going to, you know, feel, you know, sketched out because some random guy, right, right. So I didn't, I kept going. And then my roommate said, so I'm like, No, you can't do that. And then I thought about it again. And I was like, I need to say something. Because she's in a rough spot, you know? Yeah. So she ended up walking further down the street. And when we're on our way back from getting food, I thought she was kind of getting near where we live. So I waited for her to, you know, walk another 100 feet or so in front of our apartment, I went outside with some food, my hands. So she would know that, you know, I wasn't threatening, right? And I just, you know, asked her, she needs some help and all that. And she kind of came inside and give a little backstory on her friends and how she wasn't really in a good place in her life. Well, since then we find out every single day for about a week and a half. Yeah. And she says that I'm like, one of the greatest things has happened to her. And it's just, it's kind of scary for me because I have a fiance that, that I lost about two years ago. And it really shook my world up because it was one of two relationships that I had a three year and then this was a five year yeah. And I joined the military for engaged to her. And it was just it was really impacting on on the outcome, she ended up with one of my friends and it just wasn't wasn't good. And now I'm starting to have some of the same emotions for this girl that I had, when I you know, start falling for my ex fiance. So I'm just really trying to understand how I can control this. So it's not such a wild ride for me, because I mean, it's, it's really affecting my life, like I can't eat sometimes I can't really sleep very well. And it's invading my thoughts in my personal life. And, like, I like this girl, I just want to do it the right way.

Okay, so I have one word of advice, and then we'll talk about it a little bit. And the piece of advice is questions, very gentle questions to yourself as if you're your own best friend, Caleb, you want to ask yourself? What am I feeling? What are the thoughts behind it? What makes me attracted to her? And you can answer that? Well, let me just give you a sampling of the thoughts, the questions you can ask yourself, notice, they're all questions, this is the stuff that's going to be wrapped your mind is going to be wrapped in anyway. But you want to capture those questions and take each one of them seriously, and try to answer them a little later on. So the questions around the odor of is, is this girl? You know, she was in a bad place in her life? Does she have good character? Is she honest? Do I like her? Or do I feel trapped a little with her because she kind of was a stray off the street? Or is she a lovely person through no fault of her own be felt bad times? And even if someone is in that situation, Caleb that doesn't mean you have to stay with that person. What about my past, you can have a whole series of questions about your past. Am I fearful of being injured? Again? Do I think my best friend might betray me? What other questions might you have? As I'm saying that my guess is a few are going through your own mind?

Um, yeah, I mean, I mean, there's so much really, I mean, that last relationship. I mean, it created so many questions in my head, just from, you know, self esteem issues with, you know, her going off with somebody else that, you know, is also important to me. You know, there's a lot of trust issues that come with that. Right. And that's, that's been about the last two years of battling for me, I haven't made it or anything. So this is like, it's a big step for me. And I mean, I guess some of the the main issues for me is, you know, how can I avoid being in that place again, where someone had so much control over me that all I wanted to do was, you know, satisfy them and make sure that they were enjoying themselves or living a good life and they're happy and taking care of them.

Okay, then I have a I have a second piece of advice. A good healthy relationship is not a one way street. It's not you catering to her because you make yourself into a slave. And it won't take long I mean, this is the that will lovely beginning of a relationship where you feel those wonderful feelings and I don't want to take those away without diminishing the Pose, you want to keep an extra air open and an eye open for the fact that, that you, you want to be good to yourself, you. You want to value yourself and the word I want to give you is trade any good romantic relationship or any relationship feels like a relationship of equals, you value her. She reciprocates. And it doesn't feel like you're the caretaker of somebody. It doesn't feel like you're the enabler making her totally powerless and totally in your, you know, under your wing. And she's going to resent you very soon for that. Both people need to grow in a relationship. Yeah, yeah. What what's going through your mind now?

Um, well, I definitely see where, you know, it's in my personality, to cater to people and, and to kind of try to be that person that they've never had before. Because I was in the same shoes one day, and I still haven't gotten out of issues. So I guess I try to, I guess, be what I would want to have.

Yeah, but you need to learn that, you know, I was one of those people too. And most of us were, were any good person tries to do for other people and the person that they feel embarrassed about doing for us home? Myself, right? And what are you asking for self esteem. You don't get self esteem by by looking somebody else's boots. So it's got to be in a relationship of equals. And if you try to be it be other ism focused, it's actually called altruism, which sounds like a good word. But philosophically, it's a very, it's the cancer in relationships, you kill yourself, you're the first victim, and then the other person's going to resent you. I would highly, highly, highly recommend a book that took me eight and a half years to write with Dr. Ed Locke. And it goes into this in detail. It talks about finding your soulmate, how to make yourself lovable, how to set up a trader relationship tra d r, where, even with affection, it isn't, you know, I make my bed one day and my husband makes it the next. It's that we both feel like the relationship is fair, we're both full, we both fully have self esteem, we don't lose ourselves. The name of the book is The Selfish Path to Romance. So we don't mean that in the negative way selfish. We mean self valuing the selfish paths, path to romance, and you can get that on amazon.com. And or you could put in my email and can listen, thank you so much for the call. And I wish you a wonderful trader relationship with your next partner. Thank you. You're very welcome.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner...
Yes, because you won't conform. They hate you for the greatness of your achievement. They hate you for your integrity, they hate you, because they know they cannot corrupt you not really, they won't let you survive.

And can you be corrupted or ruled? Or do you have integrity? Are you true to yourself and you're not bent by peer pressure, you don't blow in the wind, with any opinion that someone else happens to have and you don't know how to form your own opinions. You don't know how to hold on to them. That's from the movie, The Fountainhead and the author of the book The Fountainhead is iron Rand a y n ra nd. And if you're feeling like somebody is envious of you because of the good in you, not because you're a bad person, but because of your virtue is because you're honest or because you have ambition. And because you're productive. And because you love falling in love and it's a wonderful feeling. If they're envious of you and they try to pull you down. Stay away from them. Learn how to put up barriers to protect yourself from the people who could hurt you. Or at least try to talk with them. Maybe if there's somebody in your life a child or sometimes a mother's jealous of a child. Maybe they need to sit down and talk and air their feelings so that the mother can release the jealousy and the child can thrive.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Lockee,

To discover a potential partners actual values, don't just listen to what this person says. Also look at their choices, their actions and the responses over time. Observe what a potential romantic partner responds to emotionally and why. For example, do they show passion, indifference or contempt for certain events, objects, activities or individuals. Notice what makes them happy, excited or angry. Observe how they make difficult choices with careful thinking by weighing the pros and cons or going by emotions only.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com