The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text transcribed directly from the audio)

Dr. Kenner:      Here is a question I received. Now, when you’re young, kids will use slang, swear words and they will use slang sexual terms, but what if it’s your husband who is using sexual terms for body parts, slang sexual terms with your very young kids, and it’s driving you crazy? You wish he would stop. And he doesn’t see any problem with it. So here’s a question from Laurie: “Hello Dr. Kenner. Please help. I need my husband to hear this from a professional. My problem is that my husband daily uses words like nipples and other slang words, sexual slang words, for body parts in front of my three young children, ages 5 and younger. He does so in a playful manner which he thinks is okay. He does not do this in front of any other children, just ours. This bothers me so much. Every time I ask him to stop and I explain why it’s inappropriate, he says, “Sorry,” but then he does it again in a little while. When I ask him why he does this and why he won’t stop, he says he can’t help it. I believe that he can help it, if he wanted to. This has been going on for years. He also thinks it’s fun to playfully pinch or grab at the kids’ nipples, which in return gets them to want to play with his. He thinks this is so funny. I think this behavior is so inappropriate, immature and disgusting, yet I can’t get him to stop. Please help. Laurie.”

So there are two things – both the language, Laurie, that he’s using and his behavior. The pinching the nipples and whatever other play he does. First with the language, one of the best gifts you can give your children is the gift of good language. And if you are constantly using swear words or slang for body parts, slang that’s really a bit racy, then they’re very impressionable as young kids. They’re going to pick it up and use it in school and it just becomes part of their everyday vocabulary, which is not the best gift you can give them. The other is your hubby’s behavior. He is crossing boundaries. He’s using sexual words. Kids can mimic him. They’re going to repeat those words. And because he’s doing it in fun, they’re going to think it’s some sort of game you play with people. And if they play it with daddy, why can’t they play it with other grown men or friends or teachers? What if they have a male kindergarten teacher? And at what age does it stop? If your husband says it can’t stop now, does he plan to play the game until the kids are 10, 12 and 14 years old

Obviously your husband needs to do a lot more thinking. One of the things he needs to think about is the impact. If he is tweaking the kids’ nipples, what happens when they go and they tweak another child’s nipples at school or maybe at a friend’s home where they have their kids and they get teased by the kids or they get alienated by the kids or the parents set up alarm bells. They’re very worried and don’t want your kids to come over anymore. What if they tweak a teacher’s nipple? What then? This is going to send up red flags, if the teacher says, “Why did you do that?” And little 5-year-old Susie says, “Daddy always tweaks and pinches my nipples and I tweak his and it’s a whole lot of fun,” what next? The teacher may call child protective services. They may be on your doorstep and they may think that sexual abuse is going on. That is not a good outcome for this type of play, alleged play that your husband is engaging in.

Also, he is robbing your kids. If this is the type of play he always engages in, he’s robbing them of wonderful, silly, playful, joyful, childhood games that don’t have any sexual overtones, Laurie. Such as silly Simon Says – my father used to play that – we used to play hide and seek, relay races. Another thought that crossed my mind is he’s setting your kids up for inviting sexual abuse from maybe a babysitter, or a relative or friend. What happens, your kids are alone with a babysitter who may be a teenager and the kids start tweaking their nipples. What if somebody else takes it a bit further? Now I’m assuming your husband wouldn’t take it a bit further, but it does raise red flags. So let’s go to your husband now.

About your husband – your hubby says he can’t change. But he doesn’t do it with other kids, so he obviously can stop. He also sees it as fun, not as abuse, so it sounds more like he’s saying to you, “Don’t ruin my fun.” He’s not listening to you. This doesn’t bode well for your marriage and for your co-parenting, being good parent partners. You need to listen to one another. His sorrys are what we call “cheap sorrys.” Sorry I did this. And then he doesn’t follow through in action and continues to do it. He is building this into a very strong habit, this playing with the kids’ nipples and using the sexual slang, and he keeps telling himself, “I can’t stop it.” He needs to change that and say, “I choose to do this,” because if he chooses to pinch the nipples, he can choose not to, too. He also says he doesn’t know why he does it. Well, who else would know why? It is your hubby’s responsibility to take the time to introspect. Did he have a history of play with his siblings like this when he was young, or was there any abuse in his past? He definitely can get professional help if he can’t stop it on his own. He could go to a counselor. You can also call the pediatrician and ask your pediatrician to talk with your husband about this.