The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

220312170121cpod-trust-communication-romance

Dr. Kenner: Jerri, you?re dealing with trust in your relationship?

Jerri: Hi Dr. Kenner, I am.

Dr. Kenner: What?s going on?

Jerri: It?s been an ongoing issue with the guy I?ve been with kind of off and on for the last seven months. We were separated for about six weeks and prior to that time, I had confronted him because we actually met on an online dating service. And I had confronted him because we were in this serious relationship, we had talked about getting married, moving in together, and I found out he still had an account online, on the dating service. So I confronted him about that and I feel that he kind of contorted that around to make it like I was checking up on him and didn?t trust him, which I caught him online several times. And shame on me for checking up on him, but shame on him for agreeing that we both wouldn?t have these accounts. We were separated for about six weeks because his father was very ill and he ended up passing away and we?ve been back together for about two and a half months now, and I have just discovered that he now, again, has an online account, but he?s changed his state of residence, so I couldn?t easily find him.

Dr. Kenner: Wonderful ? not wonderful that this is happening ? but it?s wonderful that you value yourself enough to not have shied away from doing that. Because when someone gives you reason to doubt them, you have every reason to search. In fact, he should invite you to. He should have the opposite response. If he?s not guilty at all, he should say, ?Hey, man, you can check any account I have. Here are all my passwords. Check them out.? The burden is on him to rebuild trust. So what did you find exactly?

Jerri: I found out that he still has an account online and that he?s put himself in a different state. I don?t know if they count actually active or if it?s just still out there, but when I looked at his account I did see that he?d been online last week. Now, on the other side of that, I?m with this man all the time. I know who calls hm. I know what happens. He has given me the username and password to some of his email accounts. I have looked at his Facebook account. He claims he has nothing to hide, but he?s hiding this one last thing. Is he doing this to test me, to see if I?m going to check up on him?

Dr. Kenner: See, his response should be the opposite. Imagine if you ?cheated? on him or you did something that made him doubt the relationship, and you really love him, you really want to marry him and you?ve contacted an old boyfriend, let?s say, or you did the same thing he did. You just wanted to see what your options are before you tied the knot. If he caught you in a lie, what would be your gut response?

Jerri: I?m not really sure, because I wouldn?t do that. Because my account is deactivated and it has been. I probably would be a little defensive of ?why are you checking up on me??

Dr. Kenner: Why would you be defensive? What would cause that? 

Jerri: I don?t know. I can tell you that we both have had serious trust issues because of past relationships that we?ve had, so that?s part of what?s driving my behavior to check up on him. And I don?t know if that?s his reason for still keeping this account online. I really don?t mind being checked up on. I don?t have a problem with that. I?m very open with I have a lot of guy friends, so if they call me or text me, I?ll say, ?That was so-and-so, and here?s what they said.? But I feel like he?s hiding this from me and I don?t know why.

Dr. Kenner: The only person who knows why is him. What are you thinking of doing?

Jerri: I told him that we need to have a conversation tonight. Because I have now found this out. So we need to talk a little later and I?m not really sure how to approach this. I don?t want to be accusatory. I don?t want to be confrontational. His intentions may be totally innocent. Maybe he changed the state so I wouldn?t have a stroke because he has this profile still out there? I don?t really know. I don?t know what?s driving this and why he would do this.

Dr. Kenner: So you can talk about yourself. The best way, instead of attacking, instead of accusing, instead of jumping to conclusions ? it doesn?t sound like you were planning to do any of those anyway ? but if you just say, ?I?m puzzled.? You want to inquire. That?s the skill. You want to draw him out. ?I?m puzzled and I felt like things were getting back together and I?m confused.? Words like puzzled and confused, if they?re not said in anger, but they usually are very inviting words, because a person wants to help you put the puzzle together or help you clear the fog if you?re confused.? I?m puzzled, confused. We?ve both had some trust issues in the past and I did a quick check.? Or if you?ve been tracking it more, you can say, ?I was tracking because I needed a way to rebuild the trust. And I know you?ve given me passwords and I found this.? And then just pause. And see if he?ll talk. If he says, ?You?re checking up on me again. How will I ever trust you?? If he comes back very defensive, you can say, ?I can hear that you?re concerned and we both have trust issues. Let?s talk about this. Help me understand you better.? Help me understand you is better than saying, ?Why did you do this to me?? Help me understand you better. What?s behind this, so that we both can grow together? If we want to stay together, if we want to take what?s good in the relationship, we want to strengthen the trust.

Now the sidebar, you don?t want to frame it negatively, but the negative part is, there are two things in a relationship that you must have. Number one is?

Jerri: Trust.

Dr. Kenner: Number two is, and they can flip order, is communication. If you guys don?t talk, it?s no good. You can just say, ?I want to build the trust. I want to build the communication. We can both learn from this.? Be prepared that he may attack you for a day, but let it simmer down. If you don?t counter attack, it?s much more likely that he will cool down and be willing to talk a little bit. Maybe he?ll do it right away. But that?s your best chance. Listen, thank you so much for the call and we have a whole section. I?ve written a book with Dr. Ed Locke, and we have a whole section on what I was just talking about, what are the essentials in a relationship and how do you grow closer? How do you build trust? The book is The Selfish Path to Romance, and you can get it at Amazon.com. By Ed Locke and myself, Dr. Ellen Kenner. We have wonderful exercises. You guys could read it together and enjoy it. Thank you so much for your call.

Jerri: Thank you for the advice.

Movie clip

Male 1: Now don?t ever hire an architect who is a genius. I don?t like geniuses, they?re dangerous.

Male 2: How is that?

Male 1: A man abler than his brothers insults them by implication. He must not aspire to any virtue which cannot be shared. 

Dr. Kenner: Have you been around anyone who has been envious of you? They don?t want you to excel. They don?t want you to do well in a sport. They feel like, if you do well, how will your brother feel? You shouldn?t show off. Maybe it?s not showing off. Maybe it?s just that you excel. Or maybe you do well in school and you feel like people are alienating you. They don?t like you and it?s not your personality, it?s because you?re successful. Or it could be that you?re successful in a career. If you?re dealing with envy, and genuine envy, and it?s not that you?re an obnoxious person, it?s just that you?re wanting to succeed in life and you?re wanting to do things well and you don?t know how to deal with an envious partner or an envious friend or a former friend, hopefully, or an envious co-worker or maybe an envious parent? I?ve dealt with clients whose parents have been envious of their success, because the parents never succeeded. So instead of cheering the child on, they become envious.