The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text transcribed directly from the audio)

Dr. Kenner:      What if you are dating somebody and you’re at an age where intimacy is appropriate and you decide you want to marry this person and the person doesn’t like sex? How do you deal with that? And you do. Is that a deal breaker or what? Let’s listen to this from Andy and see what you think.

“Dear Dr. Kenner. My fiancé of four months, Mary, won’t have sex with me. She said she doesn’t get turned on. She says she loves me but hates sex. We only had sex twice and that was at the beginning of the relationship. She has pleaded with me several times not to leave her. She believes that her desire not to have sex, or hatred of sex, will go away.” Obviously it won’t go away unless you do a lot of thinking, Mary. Here is the very sad part – “She was raped when she was 11 years old and she believes that’s the cause of her problem. We want to get married in one month’s time. What can we do about the problem? Andy.”

Andy, consider postponing your wedding. This is such a serious decision you’re making. This is a life-changing decision, to get married, and you both need time to solve this problem. Because this is a potential deal breaker. What happens if you get married and it doesn’t go away? She doesn’t like sex for life. That’s it. That’s the end of the story, honey. What then? You have a choice. You can live a sexless life, you can cheat on her, have affairs, you can use porn, you can go on … you can do things you’re not going to be that happy with. Or you can divorce, you can leave her. What are you going to do? It is too big of an issue to leave it until after the marriage.

It is very, very, very sad that Mary was raped. And it makes sense. I worked with a lot of people who have been raped and many of them have an aversion to intercourse. Not all, but that is one of the common outcomes of sexual abuse. What happens is, Mary has lumped all sex into the rape category. And rape should be in a category of its own, which is called abuse, force, hideous force. That is not romance. That is not, “You make me feel good, I make you feel good, honey. I rub your back and I rub your back.” That should be in an entirely different universe Andy.

One of the things she could do for herself is get some assistance. It will not go away. Her hatred of sex will not go away without a lot of effort, without a lot of clear and good thinking on her part. So if she would be open to therapy, you could go to the website, AcademyofCT.org, and she could go into therapy. Maybe you could have some couples sessions together. But she needs to learn that tenderness and closeness and sensuality are not equal to rape. That rape is something very different. And Mary could also help herself by watching examples. Romantic movies. I don’t mean x-rated movies. I just mean they could be PG movies – a Disney movie, Belle in Beauty and the Beast. Watching romantic movies that don’t involve any rape. And reading books that are tasteful and romantic, again, without any hint of rape, so she can recapture sensuality or capture it maybe for the first time for herself. And that would be lovely for her, with or without you. That’s nice for her to come back alive.

For you, sex is very important to you, otherwise you wouldn’t have taken the time to ask me the question. Twice in four months for a young couple is not an active sex life. Given that she was so traumatized, it’s important to give yourself permission to ask yourself the question, “Am I willing to make a long-term commitment or a lifetime commitment to someone who hates sex?” If your private answer is no, liberate yourself. You have no obligation to stay with her if she’s offering you a sexless marriage. It’s your life. You can lovingly say to her, “Mary, I’ve hoped over the last few months that you would allow yourself to relax and enjoy sex. I can see that rape has taken a toll on you and I would be lying to say that would be okay for my entire life. There’s so much I love in our relationship that I wouldn’t have proposed. I can see that it’s not working out.” You can be very kind to her and buy some time, or get out of the relationship if you need that. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner.

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Movie clip       

Male:               I’m not perfect, Sport. Let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn’t perfect either. But the question is, whether or not you’re perfect for each other. That’s the whole deal. That’s what intimacy is all about. Now, you can know everything in the world, sport, but the only way you’re finding out that one is by giving it a shot.

Dr. Kenner:      That is from Good Will Hunting. What great advice. If you’re thinking, “I need to be perfect before I date or ask her out or go any further in this relationship,” or you’re thinking she needs to be perfect before I consider dating her, well, when you date, you learn about yourself. You grow in a relationship. You have the opportunity to grow in every relationship you’re in. And you have the opportunity to get closer. Learn how to communicate well. Learn how to talk about sex easily. Learn how to find out what each other’s tastes and values and everyday habits are and whether they match. And I cover all of that in a book that Dr. Ed Locke and I have written. It’s called The Selfish Path to Romance. We use the word “selfish” not in the conventional way. We use it not as being a “me only” person or a “my way or the highway” type person, but self-valuing. How do you cherish yourself and cherish one another in a relationship over a long period of time. If you want more information about that book, you can go to SelfishRomance.com. And I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner.