The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

This is from a Time magazine article, "The Real Truth About Teens and Sex," by Sabrina Weil, who was an editor at Seventeen magazine. She’s had the advantage of speaking with thousands of teenagers and interviewed hundreds of teens in partnership with the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. She reports that parents have this view that all their kids are out there having sex parties and just messing around. Some of them are, but a lot of them are not. However, something else is happening in this culture, in this generation, that’s dangerous—kids are not valuing sex the way we used to. It's so free, it's so rampant. You can get on the internet, and kids can go to porn sites, and they do this. They can do this even in school. Kids learn terms such as, "Oh, we're just hooking up," or "We're just friends with benefits." And that's scary. That’s scary stuff because they may not know how to distinguish "friends with benefits" from true intimacy. If they just use their bodies promiscuously, they won’t know how to form a real, solid bond with one person.

So what to do? What do you do if you're a parent worried about your son, who you find has been on the internet, or your daughter, who's been on the internet looking at porn sites? Most parents just say, "I don’t need to teach my kids anymore because, you know, it’s everywhere. They’re taught about sex in school, on the internet, from their friends, sitcoms—you name it. It’s all over the place." Well, this author, Sabrina Weil, says that there’s a lot of misinformation out there and that parents can have a tremendous influence on their kids, even when kids pretend they're not listening. Even when they throw up their hands and say, "Okay, whatever, Mom, Dad," they’re listening. And even if they have long silences, put up with those silences. You don't want to go on the attack. You don’t want to lecture. You want to listen to your kids. "What do you know about sex? I want to know your thoughts on abortion, on taking precautions, or on having sex early," and sit and listen to your kids.

Be careful. Parents always want to throw in their two cents, and you do need to set norms, but don’t do it by lecturing, and don’t do it with a condescending tone. Show respect and caring. For example, "What are your concerns, honey?" "Well, I’m worried I’ll get pregnant if I have sex early, and then what would happen? I’d have to support a child, and I still want to go to school, have a career. I don’t want to have a kid at this young age." Help your kids see inductively why it’s not a good idea to have promiscuous sex at such a young age—14, 15, 16. And if they are having sex, teach them to take precautions. If you can’t stop them, you definitely want them to play it safe, avoid diseases, and avoid unwanted pregnancies.

Switching to a different topic, this is an email from Derek. Derek is a young kid; I don’t know how young, and his English was broken, so I cleaned it up a little. "My name is Derek, and I’m from California, and I have a problem. I watched the September 11, 2001 documentary, and it made me scared of life. Then my mom helped me feel better, but now I’m scared of growing up. Is there a way for me to feel better? Please answer my email, and thank you for reading it. PS, does making friends help me feel better?"

I would say yes, making good friends will always help you feel better. But here’s what happens: I’ve dealt with many abused children, and many of them were exposed to horror stories in their personal lives and to horror movies, traumatizing them. Watching a September 11 documentary as a young kid without the context to put it in is scary. It is factual, so it’s additionally scary, but it’s not the norm in life. If that were the norm, we wouldn’t make such a big deal of it. It’s like a horror movie—a real-life horror movie. When a young kid sees that movie with vivid, bloody detail—the horror, the pointless destruction—a kid will question, like any of us would, his deepest assumptions about the world and other people. Questions come up, "Can this happen to me? Can I be happy-go-lucky and suddenly have the rug pulled out from under me? Can I trust other people? Should I always be looking over my shoulder? Should I stay at home to be safe? Am I even safe at home? Could terrorists come here?"

This is precisely the result terrorists want to achieve, and I hope you don’t let them. Derek, terrorists are really thugs. They’re very bad people, but they’re not the norm in life. Most people are good or a mix, but they’re not that bad. The thugs who concocted September 11 wanted to scare the whole world, to make everyone feel afraid of people, afraid of the world. Don’t let them win. You want to go out there and make friends. You want to see that there are better people in the world, including adults, and you want to learn firsthand that the good guys outnumber the bad guys. We’re much smarter and more rational, and we have a right to self-defense. If they attack us, we have the right to jail them, even kill the most evil ones.

So what can you do at this point? Remind yourself of all the healthy people in the world. Remind yourself of the good ones—the ones who build buildings, design computers, make airplanes, light bulbs, or the sports heroes, doctors who cure diseases. Listen to better documentaries, if you want to watch documentaries, and learn that ideas matter. You would never want to hurt good people, and you have a right to self-defense rather than cowering before these bad people. Your life matters. Your happiness matters. Make good friends, and realize you may even want to go into law enforcement or the military someday to fight these bad guys and show yourself firsthand that good can win. You don’t have to, but you can also pursue your own rational goals, always knowing you have the right to self-defense.

Here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

“Those bloody English cricket players threw me out of their club like a dog. I never complained. On the contrary, I vowed that I would never play again. Who suffered? Me. But I don’t want Jessie to suffer. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes her father made of accepting life, accepting situations. I want her to fight, and I want her to win.”

That’s from Bend It Like Beckham, a fabulous movie to watch with your kids. It gives motivation—not just to give in if you "fail" at a sport or career but to fight for your values, for your happiness, for your goals. Do it rationally, of course, but never be passive. Don’t fall into what kids often say nowadays: "Whatever." You don’t want that approach to your life.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

"A romantic partner to avoid is someone who tries to fake self-esteem by using defense values. People may use values they possess or aspire to as substitutes for genuine self-esteem to cover up self-doubt. Examples include money, looks, intelligence, popularity, fancy clothes, expensive cars, large homes in wealthy neighborhoods, social status, and sexual conquest. Not all these values are necessarily irrational. The problem is when they’re held compulsively or desperately. An expensive car can give you pleasure, but not if it’s just to show off—you’re still the same person, with or without the car. Approval from others doesn’t change who you are."

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.