The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and at Amazon.com

How many people do you tell "I love you"? Some people overuse that phrase, saying it to everyone—"I love you, dear. I love you, I love you, I love you"—until it becomes meaningless. Others never say it, yet you can feel their love. For some people, "I love you" is a touchy phrase. Sometimes it’s said with a sing-song tone: "I love you," or it’s said pleadingly, meaning, "Do you love me?" So one listener asks, "What is the rationale behind the words 'I love you' and 'love you'?" Her name’s Tasha, and I want to talk about that for a moment.

"I love you." Three simple words. "I love you." That presupposes something. If you hated yourself, how could you, a person you perceive as unlovable, genuinely love anyone else? So to say, "I love you," as Ayn Rand, my favorite author and author of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, says—both available on my website—you must first understand the "I" in the phrase. She writes that, to say "I love you," one must know how to say the "I." You must have self-esteem. While she doesn’t explicitly say, "You must have self-esteem," I’ve added that. She does say, "The man (or woman) who does not value himself cannot value anything or anyone." That’s from her book The Virtue of Selfishness. It’s a real eye-opener. Imagine—valuing oneself without stepping on others, because self-respect prevents such behavior, and not allowing others to step on you either.

Thinking about love, my co-author Dr. Edwin Locke talks about a partnership, such as marriage, as egoism à deux—the French words for "egoism for two." This means there are two strong individuals, neither a doormat for the other. In the 1950s, the stereotype was often the woman as the doormat to her husband. In the 1970s and '80s, the women’s liberation movement sometimes tried to reverse roles, making men doormats to women. Both are wrong, obviously. Instead, consider those you love and ensure you also love yourself. When you genuinely feel that love for someone, tell them. But say it because you truly feel it—not because they need you to say it, not because they are pitiful or need reassurance. As Ayn Rand says, a selfless love would mean deriving no personal pleasure from the person’s company, only pity and sacrifice for their need of you.

[Ad break interruption] "We have to pay some bills—just a 30-second break, and then Dr. Kenner will be back."

[Ad reads:] "Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. And boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that sounds intriguing."

Returning to Ayn Rand’s point—a selfless love would mean deriving no personal joy from the loved one's existence, motivated purely by sacrificial pity for their dependence on you. Think of some marriages where, after decades, people cling to each other, not out of love but out of obligation, for the kids, or some other reason. I would never want to be loved that way. Selfless love is not true love. Reevaluate your relationships to ensure you’re not selling yourself short and that you openly express love to those who matter to you.

I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner, and you’re listening to The Rational Basis of Happiness. Here’s an email from John about a six-year-old boy who’s been telling fibs. Think about your own childhood and times you might have fibbed to your parents. John writes, "Dear Dr. Kenner, my six-year-old boy has been telling fibs for about six months now. His imagination creates wild fabrications, and it’s affected his mom (we’ve been separated for three years), his grandparents, and me. Is this normal behavior for his age? What can two concerned parents do about this phase?"

It’s great that you say "two concerned parents"—it sounds like you’re not at war with your wife. Your six-year-old, having gone through a divorce, is lying. He’s producing stories you find unbelievable. An example would have helped, but let’s imagine he’s telling you he got straight A’s when he didn’t, maybe seeking approval. Or maybe he’s telling friends that his parents are wealthy with 20 cars, all of which fly. He may feel inadequate around wealthier friends. Use natural consequences, so he doesn’t get labeled as a "liar." Anytime he tells the truth, acknowledge it lightly, like, "That was nice—you said exactly what happened." He needs to understand why lying is wrong firsthand. I recommend the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, particularly chapter six, which addresses helping kids break out of negative roles. Instead of punishment, this chapter offers tools so you don’t overreact and push him further into lying. Teach him to distinguish truth, falsehood, and creative stories. Encourage creativity but clarify that he shouldn’t lie to you or fake reality.

Here’s a bit more insight from Dr. Kenner. Let me read something.

[Quote:] "Oh no, no, no, no. I never let anyone read my stories." "Why not?" "Well, what if they didn’t like them? What if they told me I was no good? I don’t know if I could take that kind of rejection."

That’s from Back to the Future with George McFly. Many of us fear showing our creations to others, whether it’s a school paper or a new dance routine. We fear not applause but rejection—scowls, eye-rolls, or criticism. Yet you don’t want to fear reality or people’s opinions. You want to be able to go through life without feeling scrutinized. Achieve psychological independence where others’ opinions matter only if they’re truthful. If someone gives constructive feedback, even if it’s critical, they’ve given you a gift. If it’s false, you can correct them or ignore it. The goal is not to fear people.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, visit Drkenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, world-renowned for his theories on goal setting.

"It’s essential to introspect and view self-understanding as exciting. What’s the worst you’ll discover? Mistaken ideas or poor thinking methods, both of which can be corrected. Many people don’t know how to introspect effectively, but they make honest efforts to understand their emotions, sometimes through journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or, if necessary, a therapist."

You can download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com, and you can purchase The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon.com.