1-Dating Anxiety 2-Child Abuse Signs (starts at 4m 57s) 3-Peer Pressure (starts at 6m 55s)
1-My girlfriend doesn't call 2-My son is afraid of me 1-Psychological Independence
The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com and at Amazon.com.
This is a call about a guy who's worried about why his girlfriend doesn't return his calls.
"I've been seeing a girl for over a month now. We talk every day over the phone, and we go out every so often, and we just speak every day. But for the past couple of days, I haven't heard from her. She has a child, and I connect with the child very well. So I was just wondering, how come I'm not hearing from her, or is it just something as simple as she lost her stuff on there, something like that."
Okay, if she lost her cell phone, she could borrow someone else's. She could go to a pay phone. There are many ways she could get in touch with you. So what happens when you start dating someone, especially someone who's got, in quotes, baggage—they've been married before, or they've had a relationship before, they have a child from that relationship—you are constantly judging the character of that person from the moment you meet them. This doesn't mean that you're judgmental, that you sit there and grill them with 20 questions. It means that you are summing them up. You have a standard of what you want as a romantic partner, a lifetime partner, hopefully, and you're saying, "Does this person meet my criteria?" And, of course, they're doing the same with you. This is totally legitimate.
So if you're saying you connected for one full month, then you do have some very good data. You can talk with her freely, assuming that your conversations were significant. They weren't just about the weather or trivial issues, the Red Sox or something, but something meaningful—you’re learning about what type of person she is. When I say significant, I mean main character traits: honesty, integrity, is she productive? Or does she want just a husband or partner to leech off of and to take care of her kids? Does she want you only to be a father for her child, or does she admire you as an individual? And that's fundamental. She just loves you for who you are.
What do you do when she doesn't call? Those are some fundamental questions. What do you do when she hasn't called? Well, you want to pick up the phone and call her. What's preventing you from just ringing her up, especially if you get along with her child? You want to ask yourself that question because she's judging you too: "Why wouldn't he call me?" Maybe she feels it's always been one way. Maybe there are circumstances I don't know about as to why it can only be one way. Maybe she lives with her parents or something, but it's perfectly legitimate for you to have the concerns that you're having right now.
You know, it does sound significant if she did call every day; when a pattern like that is broken, you always have the huge "why" question looming in front of you, and you want to do the research. You want to take action right away, rather than just sitting back, which you're not doing—you're calling me, but I may not be your best action. The best action would be to call her and get the data, get the raw data, try to figure out what's going on. I'll go over and visit her if she's nearby, and if that's possible, clear the air, and just let her know that it's important to you to keep that contact.
Maybe she felt too smothered; that could be another issue. Because when any two people get together, it takes time to learn what each other's together-time ideal is, like. My husband and I love being with one another, and that works. With other couples, they like more time alone, to be with buddies or friends, and then they connect with each other; that's the way they want to run their relationship. Other people like their privacy more; they like to just have some downtime at the end of the day. You want to try to find a rhythm that works for both of you if this is a viable relationship. I hope that helps you.
And now, I've got an email, and I'll read the email and see what I can do within the next few minutes, then we'll have an interview with Dr. Judy Beck coming up.
"Dear Dr. Kenner, my son Joey is claiming that he is afraid of me. When I ask him why, he becomes silent. His mother, Maggie—my ex-girlfriend—coaches what he must say on the phone. I have never hit him. My older son brought charges against me for abuse, and my lawyer said that I should have no contact with him until I was shown to be not guilty. That took six months. Now..."
I'll shorten the email. The mother is very erratic. She dates many different boyfriends, and so this particular guy, Hank, was taking care of the kids. For some reason, the mother has turned—he had custody for a while, but then he was generous enough to give custody back to his ex-girlfriend, not his wife, but his ex-girlfriend, Maggie. Maggie just didn't seem to turn his kids against him. His son has a broken arm, and he said it's a secret. He can't tell how he got the broken arm.
One of the things you want to do immediately, Hank, is get therapy for yourself and for your child, Joey, and even for your older child, because the broken arm could be a sign of physical abuse from her or from one of her boyfriends. Signs of physical abuse include any burns, cuts, bruises, or welts; any fear of adults, which is a sign of potential physical abuse; problems in school; anti-social behavior; bite marks; any self-destructive behavior. Obviously, it sounds like your son's too young for suicidal behavior, but depression or a very poor self-image are signs that you want to address immediately.
I would also get a book for him: Some Secrets Are for Sharing, which helps kids differentiate when they should speak up and when they shouldn't. It's a story about a boy who was afraid to speak up against his mother and then got the courage to do so, and things turned out well.
And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:
"You'll be okay here if you hang with me, in mind, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your fullness factor. Willow, nice dress. 'Well, my mom picked it out.' No wonder you're such a guy magnet. If you want to fit in here, the first rule is: know your losers. Once you can identify them all by sight, they're a lot easier to avoid."
Okay, and that's from Buffy. Did you ever go through that when you grew up? The peer pressure, some bossy person, the leader, the charismatic person in the group, telling you what you should think, who you should associate with, who are the cool people, and who are not the cool people, and how to maintain your status? Notice what's happening there. In all of those cases, your choice-making does not reside within you. It resides—your standards reside—within somebody else's mind. They choose for you. They tell you what you can wear, what you can't wear, who you can talk to, maybe even what grade you should or shouldn't get.
In order to be cool, to get their "good housekeeping stamp of approval," you've given up the prime essence of yourself, your independent judgment. Many women in relationships do this. They just give up their own minds, especially in the 1950s or 1960s when housewives would follow in their husband's footsteps. Now I'm seeing some men in therapy who've let their wives be the matriarch. Whether it's in school with peer pressure, in your relationship, or even with a very controlling parent, you want to always maintain your independent judgment. And yes, it will take courage, especially the first time you challenge their authority.
"I want to play with Suzanne. She's a nice kid. I know she's not in your cool group, but I think she's nice, and I'm going to play with her. I want to wear these clothes. I know they're not cool according to your standards, but I like them."
You don't want to make the opposite mistake of rebelling just to reject cool standards. You want to be your own person and decide independently. That’s psychological independence, and it is phenomenal. You absolutely want to give that to yourself, and if you need help with that, I highly, highly recommend The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.
For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.
Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:
"For a romantic relationship to work, your aspirations for the future need to be compatible. For example, an important value to discover is whether you and a potential partner want to have children or not, and if you do, how many. This choice dramatically affects your future together; a discrepancy in values here is often a deal breaker. Explore this value honestly and openly. Even if you initially agree, one partner may have a change of mind later, which can become a source of conflict. If a partner has children from a previous relationship, it is very important to learn how that might affect your daily life together and your long-range goals."
You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.