The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

In the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and amazon.com.

Now, speak to me. I love you, yes. Speak to me of love. I love you. Now, be eloquent, be brilliant for me. I love you very much. I ask for cream and you give me milk and water. I adore you.

Okay, that's the cut from Cyrano de Bergerac, and I want to thank my husband here for having located that quickly. So right before the break, we were talking about a gentleman, Tom, who wrote me a question, a listener, and he's having trouble expressing his affection, his feelings towards a girl that he just started dating a month ago, Amanda. He cares for her a lot, and he just chickens out; his tongue gets caught on the words, or he just can't tell her that he cares for her, loves her, or what he feels.

So, Tom, the first thing I would do is to sit down and start to think about Amanda, and then think about the grossest woman that you know, the woman that just disgusts you, makes you recoil. So now that you have that contrast in mind, try to put into words what you love about Amanda. Maybe she doesn't smell. You could start like that. She's pretty. Maybe, you know, people, especially men, typically start with the physical. Maybe she's got pretty perfume, or you like the way she laughs, or she's honest. Now that's a little better than just the physical. The physical is wonderful, but many of us know people who are, you know, drop-dead gorgeous, and they just have a horrible character. You can't stand the person. But let's say that she's gorgeous and that she also has a very good character. She's honest, and you think of some examples of when she was honest and what she did. Maybe she was given too much change at a store, and she gave the extra money back, or she's very caring and attentive to, say, a sibling who’s been very nice to her. They have a very good relationship.

You want to try to identify the particulars in your own mind that make you love her or make you feel strongly attracted to her. And again, you could always use Broomhilda, this other woman that I have as a contrast, the woman that you couldn't stand, someone that you would never date in a million years, to try to highlight what you do love in Amanda. Sometimes having that mental contrast helps a lot.

Then, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Try to highlight what you do love in Amanda. Sometimes having that mental contrast helps a lot. Then put it down in words. What do you love about her? What physical characteristics, what character traits, her sense of humor, how she makes you feel about yourself, how you feel about her in her presence, what your world feels like around her. Take the time to actually write it down on paper now. Don’t censor it. Don't assume that you're going to ever give her or even keep this paper. Just get it down in words so that you can see what it is that you like. And you're also stocking your subconscious with the words that you'll eventually use.

Then try to imagine yourself telling her these words. Try to figure out how you would want to tell her, when, in what setting. You don't want, you know, if you're taking the garbage out to the road, to look at her and say, "Oh, by the way, I love you." You know, that's not quite the time to tell her. So try to figure out when you would like to express it, when it would feel most natural to you, given that it doesn't feel natural to you anyway. But at least put yourself mentally in that situation because this will help you break the ice with yourself. Think about times that you have told people you loved them. Maybe you've told someone else you loved them, and they slapped you in the face.

A boyfriend once kissed me—not a boyfriend, when I was a young kid playing doctors, of all things, in my best friend's backyard. The guys were sick; the two guys were sick. This was totally non-sexual, but it got sexual. It got sexual because at the age of maybe seven or eight, or however old I was, the guy looked up at me, and when I bent over being the nurse, he kissed me. And so I did what every nurse does: I slapped him and then ran home. I did not deal with it well. I hope that didn't give him a complex because when I got home, I couldn't figure out how I could go back there. I really wanted to go back.

So you want to figure out how to deal with rejection if you have been rejected in the past. And then just remember that what a woman wants to hear, or what a guy wants to hear too, is not just "you're really cool," "you're really nice," not just the superficial things, but some details. And it doesn't have to be a page worth of details, but one or two details of something that you love, that that person does, that really turns you on to them, as opposed to Broomhilda.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Okay, what do you do if you procrastinate? Well, all of us procrastinate. I've been working on a project of cleaning my office, and it feels really good to not procrastinate any longer. And here's a listener who is asking about this. Now listen to his question carefully and see if you think he can make any headway with the way he's framing it.

To me, "Dear Dr. Kenner, I've got a bad case of procrastination, and this procrastination does not only apply to things related to work. Really, anything that needs to be done in my life and can be put off, I put off. I always wait for the last minute. But here's the interesting part." So I'm getting ready for this real interesting part, and Bill responds. "I am physically unable to work," and so I'm thinking, is he disabled? And then he continues, "Unless I'm in a time constraint and pressure to do so, I experience all the symptoms of ADD unless I'm working under some kind of stress. I don't get why this happens. But as you can expect, working at the last moment does cause problems, but I kind of seem to enjoy the pressure of rushing to do the work. Is this fixable without Ritalin, or do I just need a good kick in my behind? Thanks, Bill."

Bill, I think you know the answer to your own question. Notice first that you're very superficial. You're talking about procrastination. But you could be anybody. You could be 50 years old, 20 years old. You could be male, female. It doesn't matter. You don't have any details here.

So one of the skills of breaking through procrastination is to sit down and to write, to answer the following question: What is the most important thing in my life right now that I'm putting off? And then when you find out, "Oh, well, I've got a job at work that needs to be done," or "I have to go to the doctor's appointment. I've had this lump in my body that needs to get checked out," I need to go right away. Figure out what it is in your life that you've been putting off, and then sit down and write about that for, I would say, 10 minutes. Don't take the pen off the paper, and just keep writing and writing, because your goal is to try to find a solution to the most pressing problem.

What we did right there was you prioritized. You took the most important problem, and you're answering that first. You know, if you're about to lose your job, you focus on that. If you're about to lose a relationship, you focus on that. If it's a health matter, you focus on that. And you spend the time trying to figure out in detail what the problem is, and then, notice, you’ll get more and more detail. So you prioritize, and then you get details.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

A personality trait valuable in romance is personal warmth. By warmth, we mean friendly affection from your partner. Warmth is essential for romance to flourish. Coldness can be temporary as a result of anger at your partner for some particular action, but romance is impossible if it is a constant presence in your relationship. How your partner shows warmth and affection is also important, whether it's through small gifts, loving words, hugs, frequent phone calls and smiles and kisses, or through any or all of these ways and more. You'll want to make sure that you enjoy each other's affection and manner of showing it.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.